Dear Andy: I’m looking for a job after just getting downsized, I need your help.

Dear Andy:

My name is Stevie B. I am a junior production engineer who recently got turfed from Best West Exploration. It seems that the market is flooded with talented technical people looking for jobs in the oil and gas sector and I’m struggling pretty bad.  Do you have any advice on how to better my chances of landing something? Stevie B.

Dear Stevie B: Okay, here’s the deal. First of all, quit calling your self Stevie – that gives the impression that you still wear Batman underwear. How about Steve or Steven, that will look a whole lot better of a resume. Second of all, there are indeed many people looking for jobs in downtown Calgary right now. And much like everything else in life, you have to be patient, but we know that only lasts a few days.  So take the following advice from a former  production accountant turned counselor, because I have tried and seen it all.

1) The Henchmen: Hire 2 rather large goons to escort you to the interview. When I say large, I’m talking 6-4 to 6-7 and each weighing in at 250+ lbs. They must be identically dressed, just like the agents in the Matrix. Instruct them to say nothing. But every now and then when the interviewer asks you a tough question, interrupt and ask the question to be repeated, then look to the goons, and have them look at each other and slowly nod. If the interviewer asks you who they are and why are they there, redirect the question to one of the goons – who will not say a word.

2) The Switcher-ma-doo: Apply for a contract position that you may not be qualified for. Lie on your resume and cover letter to make yourself an ideal candidate for the position. They key here is that you must land the interview. Instead of going to the interview yourself, pay some highly qualified egghead to go in your place so that he or she can answer all of the questions and knock it out of the park. This will guarantee you get an offer for contract. If the contract comes via email, sign it, scan it, and send it back. When you show up for the first day, they might ask why you look different and don’t know shit, but it don’t matter, because you signed a legally binding contact, baby.

3) The Hi Jack: Okay, this one is tricky, and you’re likely going to need some help. So you have an interview lined up for next week, and you have some intelligence that there are 2 other guys interviewing for the position after you – you have their names. Look them up social media to see what they look like. Now hide out (either by yourself or with your hired goons) until you see the guy approach the building for the interview. Kidnap the poor sumbitch and pay some random guy off the street to go in his place. So unless the guy you picked is equally qualified for the job and also just so happens to be in the market for that very job, you’ll be just fine.

So there you go, Steven, I hope these methods will help you land your dream job.  As usual, our readers might have some ideas of their own that they may care to share below.

Andy Killinger,  Staff Counselor Proved Plus Probable News