CALGARY, AB – In a bold and unprecedented response to U.S. President Donald J. Trump’s sweeping tariffs levied on Canadian goods yesterday, a coalition of oil and gas companies has announced plans to drill what they are calling a “special retaliatory well” spanning the majority of Alberta and Saskatchewan.
The consortium, spearheaded by Calgary-based Bendovus Energy, includes Whitecrap Resources, PeopleMINUS Corporation, BARC Resources, Morning Wood Energy, and Coatex Energy Services. The industry leaders claim the well is not only an act of defiance but a strategic move in a high-stakes international standoff.
“We didn’t start this trade war, but we’ll damn sure end it,” said Dougie Skittles, CEO of Bendovus Energy, during a press conference held in front of a backdrop featuring a giant rig draped in a Canadian flag. “If Trump thinks he can slap tariffs on our maple syrup, our softwood lumber, and our moose-shaped chocolates without consequences, then Big Orange got another thing coming.”
The so-called Freedom Flow-1 well (surface location 100/04-36-038-78W5) is planned to be an astounding 175,349,176 meters in length, featuring an extensive network of multilateral completions and a number of vertical and deviated wells for the details in Trump’s coif, spanning multiple geological formations from just below the water table all the way down to the basement. The joint-task force Well Planning Lead, Twyla Tinkles of Morning Wood Energy, confidently laid out the strategy.
“We’re not sure if this well is going to produce any oil or gas, or whatever other stuff, but it allows us to prove a point and let Trump and Musk know that we don’t mess around,” Tinkles said, referring to billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk, who recently tweeted his support for the tariffs, adding that “Canada should just pipeline their emotions instead.”
The companies involved have set a strict deadline: if all tariffs on Canadian goods, including the 25% levies imposed yesterday, are not lifted by March 15th, Bendovus Energy will mobilize rigs immediately on March 16th. Insiders say the operation, dubbed Project Big Stick, will employ an estimated 14,000 drilling engineers, 20,000 rig hands, and at least 7 guys who just showed up looking for work.
Reaction from Ottawa has been mixed. While some government officials have urged caution, others are fully backing the retaliatory effort. Alberta Premier Danielle Steal declared, “If the Americans want a trade war, they’d better be ready to see their President getting drilled by his right-hand-man Musk every time they open AccuCRAP and poke around the WCSB looking to invest.” Saskatchewan’s Premier, Scotty Moe, was unavailable for comment, reportedly too busy laughing.
Industry analysts are divided on whether this massive well will ever be feasible, with some suggesting it may become an elaborate underground monument to Canada’s national pride rather than a productive asset. But for Skittles and his colleagues, that’s entirely beside the point.
“At the end of the day, it’s about showing we’re not just going to take this lying down,” Skittles concluded. “We’re going to take it drilling down, 175 million meters down.”
As of press time, the Trump administration had not formally responded, though sources inside the White House say the President has asked advisors whether Freedom Flow-1 could somehow tap into Fort Knox.
