CALGARY, Alberta – As 2025 nears, Western Canada’s oil and gas sector is buzzing with wild rumours. From “eco-friendly fracking” using tofu-based lubricants to Alberta towns converting Timbits into biodiesel, the industry’s gossip is in full swing. Some claim the government plans to tax carbon by “Twitter outrage,” while others whisper about replacing oil sands trucks with electric horse-drawn carriages. Here is a list of our in-depth analysis of the top 12 rumours shaping the oil and gas narrative for the year ahead.
Twelve
“Enkarma Energy Turns Trees into Crude”: It is rumoured that Enkarma is pioneering a revolutionary process that extracts crude oil from trees, powered by the emotional energy of tree huggers. The more love the tree gets, the higher its oil output. Employees are encouraged to train in giving motivational speeches to spruce trees across the provinces of Alberta, BC, and Saskatchewan. “The beauty here is that after the tree huggers have transferred their love to the trees, their energy levels drop to a point that most of them perish within minutes.”
Eleven
“Bendovus to Develop New Energy Drink”: Calgary-based Bendovus Energy claims to have developed the world’s first drinkable crude oil that it plans to market as a high-protein energy drink called “CrudeFuel.” They say it’s great for post-workout recovery, though some trial users report spontaneous combustion. The brand’s slogan: “Get ripped… and flammable.”
Ten
“Quantum Pipeline Teleportation Technology:” Word on the rigs is that the Alberta Ministry of Energy has secretly developed teleportation technology to replace pipelines. This new science, which leverages electro-chromatic quantum entanglement, is expected to have protestors in a frenzy and locals complaining about the sudden appearance of oil barrels and natural gas balloons in their backyards.
Nine
“Oil Sands to Essential Oils:” Those living near Fort McMurray have recently remarked about redolent, perfumy notes coming from the bitumen mining tailings ponds. Some residents believe that the companies behind the Pathways Alliance are looking to pivot to the wellness industry by extracting “organic essential oils” from the oil sands, which are guaranteed to cleanse your aura and balance your chakras.
Eight
“Soundwave Wellbore Fracturing:” In a bid to appeal to millennials and gen Zers, it is rumoured that a consortium of oilfield service companies, led by Hollimorton, is experimenting with blasting ’70s classic rock songs at high volume at various stages along the wellbore of picodarcy unconventional wells, is an efficient way to fracture the rock without the use of water. “The deep bass of Led Zeppelin’s drum solos causes the rock to just crack open and vibe with the fluids,” claims the president of the consortium. Field workers are expected to air-guitar their way through their shifts.
Seven
“Cows are the New Oil and Gas Wells:” A group of oil companies, led by Crashent Point Energy, are rumoured to have trained cows to graze on methane-rich grass, which they digest into premium-grade petroleum distillates. “Our field studies and finite-difference simulation models show that based on the methane content of the grass, cows will produce anything from CH4 to diesel from their teets,” said the leader of the group.
Six
“Alberta Oil Can Cure Baldness:” And straight from the wonky files, a group of scientists from the University of Calgary have discovered that a daily application of 15%, 6 API bitumen, 60% crude oil between 35 and 40 API, and the balance of CH4 compressed to 1000 psi at 35.4C, can stimulate hair growth. Some Alberta men are rumoured to be ditching their cowboy hats hats and smothering themselves in crude.
Five
“Scented Crude Oil Candles for the Home:” A recent patent filed by Whitecrap Resources in August, 2023 would indicate that the intermediate western-Canadian oil and gas industry darling is looking to launch a luxury candle line made from scented crude oil. Scents include “Fracked Lavender,” “Bitumen Breeze,” and “Sulfur Surprise.” All of these varietals are expected to be perfect for a cozy night by your oil-burning fireplace (just don’t put the candles too close.)
Four
“Crude Oil to be Rebranded as ‘Liquid Solar Energy'”: To sidestep environmental regulations and keep the ecoterrorists from getting their panties in a bunch, oil companies have found a loophole by rebranding petroleum as “liquid solar energy,” emphasizing that all oil originally came from ancient plants that were fed by the sun. “It’s really just old solar power!” is how the companies plan to market the rebranding.
Three
“Wind-Powered Drilling:” Forget about traditional drilling rigs that mostly drill in a controlled manner after months of detailed planning, Western Canada is rumoured to be testing wind-powered drilling platforms. These platforms are essentially wind turbines retrofitted with stand-concentric mechanical systems that allow the wind’s energy to turn the rotary table. Another version of this technology is said to spin around unpredictably, drilling in random directions depending on the wind. “We’re letting nature decide where the oil is,” says the CEO of WinDrill LLP.
Two
“Drilling for Bitcoin:” A consortium of energy produces in Western Canada lead by Barc Resources feel that skipping the entire exploration and development phase of oil and gas development, and drilling directly for Bitcoin will provide synergies for both industries. “Not producing oil and gas will reduce our CO2e footprint, yet we are able to retrofit our drilling rigs to operate on blockchain technology and produce barrels of NFTs,” says Ben Shermy, CEO of Barc Resources. If all goes well, we’ll be at 100,000 BONFT/D as we exit 2025.
One
“Coatex Energy to Launch Oil-Powered Dating App in 2025 Q1”: Coatex Energy, the inventor of the FlowStop™ tubing packer system, has ventured into the high-tech world by creating a dating app exclusively for people in the oil industry, called “CrudeMatch.” Instead of swiping right, users strike an oil derrick icon, and matches are made based on the compatibility of their rig equipment and oil preferences. If you prefer to drill a partner who’s into W0 activities, the app allows you to filter that setting before striking the derrick icon. If the couple hits it off, the oil derrick icon displays a graphic that gushes sweet, sweet crude.
So there you have it. Will these rumours come true? Only time will tell.