CALGARY, Alberta – A leaked memo from Calgary’s city hall revealed a shocking economic plan early this morning that is leaving people bewildered. According to a source that asked 2P News to remain anonymous, a memorandum of understanding has been signed by the office of her supreme dictatorship Mayor Jyoki GoneYet, which details several hundred fund raising activities throughout the city, which are scheduled to take place prior to Q4 2024
The MOU outlined plans to crowd-source and fundraise dollars needed by the city to further its socialistic spending plans into the future. According to the memo, the meetings were attended by council disasters such as Wong, Gian-Carlo and Courtney. Intended to raise funds for their wish list of mandatory free transit, bans on vehicles inside of Stoney Trail, secondary suites to be annexed for market value in all basements in suburbia, and circus tent encampments in over 78% of Calgary City parks. While the memo listed over 75 ideas and suggestions to raise the needed $17 trillion budget, these were the top eight that caught the attention of 2P editors.
- City-wide cannabis bake sales. keeping costs to a minimum by asking Trudeau for free cannabis products from several Liberal party Members, who conveniently own all 26 major growing companies in Canada.
- Toll paths. Utilize under-utilized bylaw and parking enforcement officers to collect a Toonie at each trunk pathway from every individual passing them, whether on bicycle, on foot, scooter, or any other vehicle known to mankind. The city reserves the right to erect pop-up toll stations without notice at any random location.
- New daily parking fees. New daily parking fees will be applied on all city streets with a legal parking area over 20 feet in length. Yeah, I don’t know what means either.
- Pay-for-use Plus 15. RFID Apple Pay / Google pay turnstiles to enter or leave the downtown Plus 15 system. The turnstiles will be personed by under-utilized peace officers.
- Plus 15 minimum speed limits. The city will utilize under-utilized bylaw and peace officers monitor the speed of pedestrians in the Plus 15 network of skywalks. Those caught walking under 2km per hour will receive a $750 ticket after 2 warning citations are issued by HTFU Officers who will follow slow-walkers with a blow-horn that will be applied in 2-second shots within 10cm of the ear, exactly 3 times, to encourage them to hurry the eff up.
- Pay-Per-Access City Council. A $100 charge will be levied to meet with your councillor for a maximum of 15 minutes. Issues will be pre-screened so the councillor can be prepared with personal protective equipment or two peace officers for security if required.
- Shoe tax. All shoes sold within city limits will be taxed as tires and cars currently are. This ST will generate funds to repair the the wear and tear that pedestrians have on sidewalks and other hard surfaces used by feet.
- Red bin up-cycling. The City of Calgary will deliver to every house a red bin to accompany the existing blue, black, and green bins. Homeowners are required to put into the red bins small appliances and other household goods that are in 100% perfect working order, but unwanted. In their spare time, councillors and the mayor will list the items on Kijiji to sell. No, people with all 4 bins out in front of their home aren’t necessarily from South Sudan.
- One-time use bag fee. The city will pass a bylaw that will require that all restaurants and other retail outlets to charge 15 cents per bag. The revenue generated by this bag fee will not be turned around to city residents as municipal services rendered, but rather just add to the revenues of the issuing company. So the fee will do nothing but piss of Calgarians. Wait!
- Councillor calendar sales. The 14 city councillors, Mayor Jyoki Gonyet, and 3 senior members of the janitorial staff, will pose semi-nude for a 1.5 year calendar that will be sold at City Hall and online at $3.95 each. The $17 expected to be raised from calendar sales will then fund other city initiatives.
2P News will keep you up to date on details on this development as they become available.