[Andy hasn’t made much of a dent in his stack of mail asking for advice so we insisted that he take another whack at it. As always, excessive profanity and death threats have been cut. The lawyers insisted. – Ed.]
Dear Andy,
Wait a minute. I read in 2P News that you had been kidnapped by international terrorists. Yet here you are just a few days later. What happened, really?
Curious in Calgary
Dear Curious,
The people who kidnapped me were hired by my (former) girlfriend’s father who thought that since I had defiled his daughter, I should marry her. It turned out I was far from the only defiler. Multiple DNA traces proved that, so I was released with a monetary compensation if I wouldn’t press charges. I’m fixed for Moosepeace for the next year.
Dear Andy,
I’ve been in a coma for the past three months and I’m starting to get bed sores. I don’t think the nurses are moving me around or putting me on sheepskin like they should. Should I complain to the hospital administration?
Sleepless in Seattle
Dear Sleepless,
Come on now, you’re in a coma yet you can write to me? Did you hire a ghost writer? Are you a politician? My bullshit detector is clanging like an old-fashioned fire alarm.
Dear Andy,
Do you think Pierre Trudeau would be proud of Justin’s accomplishments or horrified like the rest of us?
Johnny Phukerphaster
Dear Johnny,
Cute. Yes or no.
Dear Andy,
You probably saw the announcement that Tim Hortons is moving into Houston. Do you think that with new, unsuspecting customers they’ll try to re-introduce that god-awful poutine they crashed and burned with in 2018?
Fred from Ft. McMurray
Dear Fred,
Those hosers in Tim Hortons management need to know that the average Houstonian is carrying 2.7 firearms, even the babies. That half-ass poutine just might cause a war, so keep it in the trashcan where it belongs.
Dear Andy,
My 10-year-old son wants to join Scouts Canada. After hearing about all the abuse that went on down south in the USA, I’m a bit leery. What do you think?
Concerned Dad
Dear Concerned,
That USA scandal hasn’t touched Canada as far as I know. I think it’s a good idea for him to join and learn some moral values and survival skills. He won’t get that in school. Maybe if I had been a scout, I wouldn’t be such a degenerate asshole today.
Andy Killinger, Staff Counselor 2P News
