[CALGARY, Alberta – 2P News was able to drag Andy away from counting his ill-gotten gains from looniecoin long enough to take another look at the stack of mail asking for his advice. As always, his responses have been edited for excessive profanity and death threats. – Ed.]
Dear Andy,
Times are tough in the oil business and I’m still employed but I really need a raise. How can I ask the boss for one in today’s circumstances?
Broke in Edmonton
Dear Broke,
If you’re a geologist, find some oil. If you’re an engineer, build something that doesn’t explode. If you’re a landman, get that lease signed. Otherwise, be goddamn happy you still have a job.
Dear Andy,
Recently, British Columbia was completely cut off from the rest of Canada by flooding. Is that a bad thing?
Playing a Tune in Saskatoon
Dear Playing,
Yes, it is a bad thing. All those assholes in the east are cut off from the good BC weed and they’re getting really grumpy. Guess who they’ll take it out on.
Dear Andy,
2P News hasn’t been very funny lately. Do you suppose old age is catching up with the staff? I mean, Sir William Shortspeare is reportedly 134 years old, so the average age must be about 70.
Wondering in Wamsutta
Dear Wondering,
Sir William is down in Southern California so the senile old fool shouldn’t be considered in any Calgary statistics. Without him, our average age is about 50 rather than 70. Besides, what does age have to do with being funny? Mel Brooks, still the funniest man alive, is 95. More likely, the writers are simply running out of bullshit. It happens. But I expect a fresh load from the stockyards any day now.
Dear Andy,
What do you think about the outcome of the recent federal election?
Voter in Search of a Candidate
Dear Voter,
As you probably know, 2P News is a strong supporter of the Rhinoceros Party. Unfortunately, none of its candidates bothered to register, so the usual gang of idiots prevailed. I’ve been trying to catch Bob McKenzie at the Edmonton Sled Dog Review when he’s sober to see if he’ll head up the ticket for the next provincial election.
Dear Andy,
I know you enjoy beer a lot. Do you drink anything other than Moosepeace?
Fellow Imbiber
Dear Fellow,
Well, I do drink mostly Moosepeace because it has a higher-than-average alcohol content. The grocery store I go to most often usually has it on sale. Other favorites are Hans Dinkel’s Schweinfleisch Lager, Molson’s Moldy Oldy and Banff Blitzbier. Actually, I’ll drink anything that’s free and doesn’t contain any methanol.
