CALGARY, Alberta – Mr. Sam Simian, owner of Tar Zen Taxi Service in Nairobi, Kenya, announced today that his company is poised to expand internationally and the first market to be tested will be Calgary. He explained, “I was looking for a place where everybody is broke and needs to save money. By using trained gorillas to carry people on their backs I can charge far less money than an automotive taxi. I expect the highest demand will be for short trips in Downtown Calgary.”
He went on to further explain his use of gorillas. “All they need is one bunch of bananas each day and they’re happy as can be. I’ve found a local farmer who grows bananas in a hothouse so the boys will get fresh fruit. You might think that gorillas move too slowly to be practical transportation, but in fact they can run faster than humans and can carry enormous loads. If there’s a traffic jam, the gorillas can simply thread their way between the cars or in extreme cases toss the cars out of the way.”
Mr. Simian has been conducting some trial runs on the outskirts of Calgary. Ms. Hortense Delilah Pantiwaste, visiting from California where strange things are common, was the first person to ride a gorilla. She remarked, “It’s going to take some getting used to. My only real problem was the fear that the gorilla would reach back and tear my head off. However, it turned out that he was as gentle as could be and at the end of the ride he even picked some fleas out of my hair.”
For longer trips that require speed, such as to the airport, Mr. Simian has recruited a few biker gorillas. He’s not sure how this experiment will turn out because they may prove to be untrainable. He said, “I mean, they smoke, cuss and break all the traffic laws, just like a human taxi driver. I don’t have a lot of hope but I need to try it.”
