CALGARY, Alberta – Breaking news this morning as federal Liberals have announced the purchase of Canadian Natural Resources Limited by the Canadian Federal Government.
The purchase follows the announcement last week that Devon Energy was acquired by CNRL. The purchase of Devon Energy was attempted by the Notley provincial government and failed, which seemingly sparked the interest of Justin Trudeau, who has also recently purchased a pipeline. The acquisition of CNRL in its entirety from Murray Edwards will create a matching set for the flashy and always stylish Trudeau. Much like a handbag and a new pair of Manolo Blahniks.
According to a memo from the PMO, the purchase is reported to have cost the Trudeau Liberals $200 Billion, which will largely be paid for by Trudeau himself using leprechaun gold and unicorn tears from his family’s treasure cave in the Bahamas, likely in the Aga Khans island. The remaining $200 Billion will be paid for by Canadian taxpayers because Trudeau’s an imbecile.
Bill Morneau and Amarjeet Sohi announced the plan early this morning in Toronto, outlining the details of a minor restructuring needed to move operations of the new energy giant inline with federal liberal policies.
The new company will be renamed Canadian National Resources Limited, which was a specific demand of Justin Trudeau, as he wants to save tax payers money on a new sign for the building. Another personal request from Justin was that all corporate Christmas parties going forward will present Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” directed by Justin himself, starring the top 30 human resources employees each year, decided by a show of hands at each year’s final town hall meeting.
Amarjeet Sohi
“We gave the Prime Minister these two demands without much fuss. He can get a little hangry if he hasn’t had a waffle yet, and that night he had forgotten his special blanky too, so it would have been pointless to argue.” – Sohi at the press conference
Other portions of the restructuring were outlined as well, including the provision to use the Canadian Forces as security during pipeline and facility construction going forward. The President of Venezuela, Nicolas Maduro, will step down and move to Calgary to lead Canadian National Resources Limited to new heights following the stellar example set in his country.
The Honourable Catherine Mckenna will be the newly created Minister of Compliance and Energy Enforcement, and that all petroleum and natural gas produced by the new national oil company will be used within Canada’s borders and not sold or exported anywhere else.
While other news teams struggled to get more details (ahem, Global), the 2P team managed to get some insider information others were not privy to, such as the mandatory Energy Services Draft coming in 2020. In this new process, all Canadian citizens will need to serve 2 years of mandatory energy service from the ages of 18-20, in one capacity or another. Be it scrubbing wellheads, or crawling through pipelines looking for leaks, the mandatory service is intended to teach Canadians what it is like to work for a living instead of living in your mom’s basement.
Also gleaned from private interviews was the rollback on the freedom to protest oil and gas developments in Canada. If caught publicly protesting energy plans or developments, the liberals have proposed a punishment of public stoning in downtown Calgary by APEGA members in good standing for 15 minutes, of which the highlights will be posted on YouTube for public viewing.
Comments were not available from Murray Edwards or any of his staff at the time of the press release, but rest assured he is laughing happily in some far away, tax exempt land of the truly free (if you’re rich).
