Alberta oil sands go green

CALGARY, Alberta – The provincial government of Alberta has announced a major project to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and at the same time improve recovery of bitumen from oilsands deposits.  Extreme heat was the answer, but the provincial Tories did not have the technical aptitude to source it.  Minister of Prentice Tie Choosing, Freddie Kickbacken, explained the project in an address to the Alberta chapter of the World Organization of Petroleum Societies (WOOPS).

The provincial government is getting a lot of heat from do-gooders about all the fuel gas used to extract and upgrade bitumen. We started thinking about how we could replace the hydrocarbon fuel with another, natural source of heat. Then it hit us. Nothing puts out more heat than a volcano. But when we found out there aren’t any naturally active volcanos in Alberta the concept almost died.

The team was stalled on the project until a new reservoir engineer was brought in to assist.  Rex Tandeau, a reservoir engineer with Deep Thrust Energy,  brought his knowledge of a recent deep test drill near Didsbury that resulted in the formation of a pre-caldera pseudo-super volcano.  The recent Didsbury drill reached an amazing depth and formed an artificial volcano, producing immense amounts of geothermal heat.  The drill team consulted with many professional specialists who work in tectonics and deep basin research and theory.  The conclusion was reached that it was indeed a possibility to drill and source volcanic heat in northern Alberta.

When we caught the geology faculty at University of Calgary sober, they speculated that a magma chamber might be found that shallow in the crust under Athabasca. With a little mapping and some seismic we discovered it was true, and all the pieces fell into place. We will drill down to magma, create an artificial volcano and use lava heat in place of fuel gas.   – Donny Prentice, Minister of Sandwiches, Jimmies cousin on his mothers side once removed

When questioned about the dangers of the volcano possibly going out of control, the ministers office released news that they had taken over the Didsbury basement test from Deep Thrust and were now studying the drill to ensure maximum safety.  They also declared that the remote nature of the new volcano-well removed most of the risk, declaring that if the volcano did form and erupt, there was very little risk of damage or loss of life in such a remote region of Alberta.