Request $200 Billion, Unlimited Diesel, and a Herd of Guard Moose
Ottawa, ON — As President Donald J. Trump prepares to slap a 25% tariff on everything coming out of Canada—including maple syrup, hockey sticks, and even those weird Ketchup chips—Canadian Hutterites have unveiled a bold plan to stick it to the Americans while feeding the nation:
A continent-spanning network of 1,500 hydroponic megadomes, each the size of a Costco parking lot, powered by pure Canadian stubbornness and just a little bit of diesel.
“If America Wants to Starve, That’s Their Problem”
“Trump thinks he can bully us by making groceries more expensive? Well, good luck eating when you have to pay $25 for a head of iceberg lettuce,” said Peter Hofer, Supreme Commander of the Hutterite Greenhouse Initiative, standing on a homemade wind turbine. “We’re going full indoor farming dystopia mode.”
The plan calls for:
✅ 1,500 hydroponic farms the size of small provinces
✅ On-site natural gas power in the west, Quebec hydro in the east
✅ Water pumped from the Arctic, the Great Lakes, and a guy named Jim’s backyard well
✅ Fertilizer sourced from Saskatchewan potash and ‘whatever washes up on the East Coast’
“We’ll grow so much food, we’ll have enough cucumbers to fill Lake Superior three times over,” Hofer boasted. “America will be begging us for zucchinis by Christmas.”
“We’re Gonna Need $200 Billion and a Hell of a Lot of Diesel”
The Hutterites have formally requested $200 billion in grants from the federal government to fund their plan, which includes a fleet of all-terrain, jet-powered tractors, a beaver-powered irrigation system, and a moose-based security team to stop Americans from sneaking over to steal tariff-free bell peppers.
“If we’re doing this, we’re doing it right,” said Hofer. “We need grow lights brighter than the Sun, a custom-built pipeline that pumps fish guts directly into the soil, and a fleet of drones armed with ketchup packets to repel American poachers.”
The Government Responds: “Are You Serious Right Now?”
While Ottawa has yet to officially comment, Agriculture Minister Marie-Claude Bibeau was reportedly seen rubbing her temples and whispering “Jesus take the wheel” after reading the proposal.
One anonymous government insider said, “Look, they handed us a 400-page business plan written in pencil on the back of old hymnal sheets. It includes a section on ‘Robo-Saskatchewan Farmers’ and a sketch of a nuclear-powered combine harvester. We don’t know whether to approve it or call the RCMP.”
U.S. Retaliation Expected
Economists warn that if Canada moves forward with the Hutterite Megadomes, Trump may escalate the trade war by:
- Declaring a state of “Lettuce Emergency” and launching an attack on Manitoba
- Building a 5,000-mile corn wall along the border
- Forcing American farmers to grow artificial maple syrup to flood the market
When asked if he was worried, Hofer scoffed. “Let them try. We have diesel, hydroponics, and a militia of geese. We’ll be fine.”
As talks continue, one thing is certain: Canada is about to become the most self-sufficient, overpowered greenhouse empire in the world—and America can go cry into its overpriced, tariff-ridden Caesar salad.
