OTTAWA—In a stunning response to recent rhetoric from U.S. President-elect Donald Trump, who hinted at “stronger measures that might involve the military” against Canada for its reluctance to become the 51st state of the union, the Canadian government has enlisted the help of Alberta’s oil and gas industry to help prepare Canada for an attack from the US.
“We’re Canadian, so we’re not looking for trouble,” said Alberta Premier Danielle Smith while sporting a custom maple-leaf lapel pin made from compressed bitumen. “But if trouble comes a knockin’, we’ve got our revered and resourceful oil and gas industry professionals in one hand and some pretty fucking big equipment in the other. So bring in on Hair Club!” It should go on the record that this is the first time out-going Prime Minister Trudeau and Premier Smith have agreed on anything.
Premier Smith formed a new coalition of all of the oil and gas industry societies and regulatory bodies named by an amalgamation of their acronyms called AAPGSPECSURAPEGACAPPURTECGESGeoConvention2025. The newly formed group, lead by former PeopleMinus president and CEO Timothy Britz, has been locked in the Alberta Legislature’s War Room for the past 72 hours brainstorming ideas on how to take on Big Orange and his $1.24 trillion-a-year war machine.
The group has so far thought of a number of ideas that will leverage the technical prowess of the geoscientific, engineering, and oilfield service sectors of the industry.
Leaked to 2P News field correspondent, Rodecker Smith, via a rather thinly veiled phishing email to one of the group’s members pretending to be a Skip The Dishes delivery driver, 2P News is publishing the following list of measures that Canada, led by Alberta’s ingenuity, have come up with thus far.
- Oil Sands Ambush: Flood strategic areas along the border with 4 degree API bitumen. Invading tanks and other military vehicles will sink into the sticky mess, effectively immobilizing them and forcing retreat.
- Pipeline Redirects: Use Canada’s vast pipeline network to reroute crude oil and condensates toward key American strongholds. Not for destruction, but to overwhelm them with unmanageable oil spills requiring immediate cleanup, leaving them too busy to fight.
- Fracking Explosives: Set up a network of fracking sites near the border. With the simultaneous press of two buttons that are separated by 13 feet and a concrete wall, Canada will create artificial earthquakes that will rattle the fillings out of US soldiers pressing toward the 49th parallel.
- Strategic Flaring Defence: Use of controlled flaring from gas plants as stationary heat-based weapons. The intense flames and heat could create a literal no-man’s land along the border.
- Pipeline Maze: Construct a labyrinth of surface-based pipelines at the border. Enemy forces would spend weeks trying to navigate the confusing infrastructure, only to end up back where they started – in the U.S.
- Energy Embargo: Shut off all energy export to the U.S. No oil, gas, or electricity flows south until they withdraw. Winter would do the rest.
- Bitumen Armour: Develop bulletproof vests and tank armor from hardened bitumen. Canada’s forces would be virtually indestructible and eco-friendly (sort of).
- Propaganda Pipelines: Use pipelines to transport not just oil but pro-Canada propaganda materials like Tim Hortons coupons, maple syrup, and apologies on repeat. This would confuse and charm invading forces.
- Crude-Powered Fog Machines: Create massive fog clouds using crude oil vapors. The disorienting haze would make it impossible for enemy forces to navigate the terrain.
- Fracking Firefloods: Use hydraulic fracturing technology to create controlled explosions under enemy formations. Not only would it be effective, but it would also demonstrate Canadian engineering prowess.
- Landman Psy-Ops: Gather all of the landmen* that Canada has, set them up at a border to invite the soldiers out to lunch or a round of golf. By the time lunch is over, the landmen would have negotiated Canada out of any military action.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tells Danielle Smith if her oil and gas industry techniques don’t work, then we will fall back on his armed forces and a few surprise measures including a hockey goalie wall. The idea here is to recruit former and current NHL and WHL goalies to form a human shield along the border, shoulder-to-shoulder. “If they can stop 100 mph slappers, then they can stop any invasion designed by Donald Trump,” Trudone told 2P News.
And as a penultimate last resort, the Prime Minister will erect a network of PA systems spanning the border, facing south, that will blast an AI-mashup creation of Celine Dion and Justin Bieber’s greatest hits at 376 db. “The barrage of those two voices should kill a man at 90 db, so I can only imagine that this will put an end to any invasion.”
Danielle Smith came on the record to say that the ultimate last resort, which is akin to ancient Chinese waterboarding torture, is to capture president-elect Trump, lock him in a fully-mirrored and brightly lit room, with a special contraption over his face that forces his eyes to remain open, and then let in stark nekkid former Alberta Premiers Rachel Notley and Allison Redford. Any military invasion will be over in 1.2 seconds flat.
Donald Trump is quoted as saying that, “Canada’s oil and gas industry defences are the most low-energy invasion prevention in history,” and he claims that he can work around it all with a golden pipeline “the likes of which the world has never seen.” Fox News reported last night that the president-elect now refers to Canada as South Alaska.
*Before you send us any letters or complain to the Internet Authority, today the term landman also includes women and transgendered folks.
