Is this the future of Canada Post that will pull it out of the red ink?
OTTAWA, Ontario – In a last ditch attempt to transform its financial woes into black (gold), Canada Post has unveiled a plan to ship bitumen through its regular postal service. Yes, you read that correctly – soon, your grandma’s birthday card might be rubbing elbows with solid petroleum cubes en route to bitumen processing facilities across the nation. The national postal service claims that this initiative will not only boost the crown corporation’s bottom-line profitability, but also eliminate the risks of leaks from traditional pipelines and train cars while it projects it will create a postal boom.
Armi Phantsdowne, with Canada Post
“Our goal is to sell flat rate shipping cubes the exact size of the product required, maybe 30 centimetres square – roughly the shape of artisanal sourdough loaves – in special bamboo-hemp lined recyclable corrugated cotton boxes,” explained Armi Phantsdowne, Executive Director of Potential Possibilities at Canada Post, during a press conference at a Tim Hortons in the Byward Market. “The cubes would be moved through regular postal outlets you find at your local Sobeys and Shoppers Drug Mart locations which will vastly expand deliverability to smaller refineries or mom and pop coking facilities across our great land.”
A bitucube, as it is called, before being packaged at the new Canada Post packaging facility just outside of Fort McMurray, Alberta.
Canada Post has struggled for years, losing money faster than a toddler with a $20 bill in a candy store. But with recent strikes wreaking havoc on consumer confidence, the organization knew it needed a bold move. “We can’t fire half our workforce—they have contracts, a union, or whatever. So, why not transform the postal service into a mini-pipeline?” said Pahntsdowne while sipping a double-double.
“I see a price of $2.00cdn per cubic foot of bitumen and a greatly expanded sorting facility in Ft. McMurray. With the right packaging, odours and toxic emissions could be negligible, but safety can be negotiated as part of a future handling contract.
Doug Underhill, an executive at Maxima Oil Sands, tried to downplay the risks: “Worst case, a mislabeled box gets dropped at a residential home. Big deal. What’s the average Joe Smith Canadian going to do with a cubic foot of bitumen? Patch their driveway? Build a backyard slip-and-slide? The possibilities are endless!”
Not everyone is thrilled. Retail giants Sobeys and Loblaws, whose stores house postal outlets, have voiced concerns over the potential hazards. A leaked memo from Empire Company (Sobeys’ parent company) stated, “We’re already losing customers faster than they’re losing their groceries to shrinkflation. Bitumen spills in Aisle 3 aren’t exactly going to help.”
Thermal oil sands analysts figure Canada Post shipping 330 bitucube pallets per week would equal to roughly 75,000 barrels of oil per day equivalent, at a 19:1 heating value conversion factor in MMBtu/kg^2.
Meanwhile, environmentalists have raised questions about the plan’s sustainability. In response, Canada Post announced its commitment to a “green future,” pledging that all bitumen packages would be labeled with biodegradable stickers featuring smiling polar bears.
Despite the backlash, Canadians remain characteristically unfazed. One Edmonton resident summed it up: “If they can deliver a cubic foot of liquid asphalt to Nunavut, maybe they can finally get my Viagra order here on time, those useless dolts.”
Will this scheme save Canada Post, or will it just clog the nation’s mailboxes with petroleum jelly cubes? Stay tuned—because when it comes to Canada Post, the answer is always: we’ll see.
