Ottawa, Canada – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau held an emergency press conference today to announce an unprecedented ultimatum to the United States: either improve the quality of the goods and people being sent north of the border or face a whopping 75% tariff on all exports to Canada.
“We’ve had it, eh,” Trudeau began, uncharacteristically wearing a plaid shirt and sipping a Tim Hortons coffee for dramatic effect. “For years, we’ve tolerated low-quality imports from the U.S., from weak 2% beer to reality TV stars who think ‘moose’ is plural for ‘meese.’ But enough is enough. Canada is not America’s cultural landfill.”
The timing of Trudeau’s announcement—just hours after Trump tweeted that he’d make Canada “pay big league” for its “sneaky maple syrup cartel”—is purely coincidental, officials say. “We’ve been planning to address substandard imports like arrogant tourists and sad hockey players for months,” said a senior advisor. “This has nothing to do with Trump’s trade war. Nothing at all.”
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Among Trudeau’s list of grievances were:
- Arrogant Tourists: “Americans who show up in Banff and complain that the mountains are ‘too cold’ need to stay home, or we will tax every vehicle entering a National Park with a US license plate and extra $1000 per visit,” Trudeau said, adding that he’s still traumatized from overhearing one tourist refer to poutine as “French fries with gravy soup.”
- Subpar Hockey Players: “We’ve been getting far too many trades where U.S. teams send us players who can barely skate backwards. The Toronto Maple Leafs, Montreal Canadiens, and Ottawa Senators are already bad enough; we don’t need more help ruining our national pride.”
- 2% Beer: “Calling that swill ‘beer’ is an insult to hardworking Canadian breweries everywhere,” he said, slamming a can of Molson on the podium for emphasis. “You’ve been dumping your watered-down beverage here for decades, and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. Bud light? Coors light? For shame, America. FOR SHAME!!”
- Country Music Overload: “Look, we like Shania Twain. She’s ours. But stop flooding our airwaves with sad songs about tractors, ex-wives, broken down pickups, and sick dogs. We can only take so much yeehaw before we lose our minds.”
- Pumpkin Spice Everything: “Canada loves coffee, but we don’t need your pumpkin-spiced monstrosities clogging up our cafés every fall,” he said. “It’s syrup, not a personality.”
The Prime Minister’s remarks were met with mixed reactions. Alberta Premier Danielle Smith praised the tough stance, stating, “It’s about time we told the U.S. to shove their weak beer and boastful attitudes.” Meanwhile, British Columbia Premier David Eby suggested adding kale to the list of banned imports, calling it “a blight on salad culture.”
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U.S. President Joe Biden responded diplomatically, saying, “Look, man, we love Canada. Hockey, maple syrup—those are the good things. But arrogant tourists? That’s just what we call ‘freedom of expression.’” He then referred Trudeau’s concerns to Congress, where bipartisan negotiations immediately devolved into an argument about whether Tim Hortons or Dunkin’ Donuts was better.
President-elect Trump, however, sees things differently. In a fiery press conference at Mar-a-Lago, he declared, “Canada’s trying to out-tariff me. Justin thinks he’s clever. He’s not clever. He’s weak. Sad… very sad.” He went on to claim credit for Trudeau’s move, stating, “If I wasn’t so tough on Canada, they wouldn’t even think about tariffs. They’re trying to copy me, but 75%? That’s ridiculous. Nobody does tariffs better than DJT.”
Trudeau concluded his press conference with a warning: “If you think we’re bluffing, remember—we burned down the White House in 1814. Don’t make us come back. Moreover, Mr. President-elect, if you think for even a moment you have higher ground in this trade war, always remember that you’re going to take our goods no matter what tariffs you set, because we are in a much better position to give it to you!”
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Meanwhile, Americans planning vacations to Canada were reportedly Googling, “Is the Canadian half of Niagara Falls worth it?” and “How to act less American in Canada.”
Developing story.