- Laughs-per-share up 145%, chortles and knee-slappers at all-time high
- Sombrero-tipping value over debt adjusted laugh flow up 71% year-over-year
- Top brass look to capitalize on unexpected comedy resurgence with hiring spree
CALGARY, Alberta – In a shocking turnaround that left analysts chuckling in disbelief, shares of 2P News (ToPee.TSX) skyrocketed over 200% today after the company reported a record-breaking third quarter, with laughs-per-share up by 145% and reader engagement reaching what they call “historic giggle heights.”
“This is the kind of result that puts wind in our comedic sails,” co-founder and Editor-in-Chief Antoine McGuillicuddy beamed on a call with analysts. “We’ve always known we had something special, but it seems our audience finally agrees.”
2P News, which has notoriously kept its books in Canadian Tire paper currency (CTM), posted an impressive $37.54 in gross profit for the quarter ending September 30, up $32.54 from the same period last year. Advertising revenue doubled as sponsors scrambled to get their names alongside what industry insiders are now calling the “comeback story of the year.”
The stock closed at an unprecedented +$5.32CTM, up from -$2.35CTM the previous quarter. Analysts report that even the New York Stock Exchange is reconsidering the company, thanks to its recent status as “most humorous Canadian entity” on the Toronto Stock Exchange.
Dr. Darcy Flowman, Co-Founder
“This is our golden moment,” said Dr. Darcy Flowman, co-founder of 2P News. “We’ve had 17 investors since 2013 (thanks, Mom and Grandma!), and finally, we’re on track to reward them with actual Canadian Tire Money in positive denominations.”
According to Flowman, the team is committed to pushing out even more of the absurdly popular satire that brought them back into the limelight. “We’ve identified a massive, untapped ‘laugh supply chain,’ and we’re scaling it to deliver steady chortles and giggles-per-share well into next year.”
Hiring Surge: 2P News to Grow Team by 300%
The news publisher’s success has led to plans for an unprecedented hiring spree, with 2P News seeking fresh talent across multiple departments. Current openings include Junior Chuckle Engineers, Senior Guffaw Scientists, and Head of Meme Acquisition and Strategy. The team is also recruiting for Director of Absurdity Amplification, an all-new role aimed at sustaining its comedic momentum.
Kelly Androgyn, longtime reader
“Honestly, it’s like the old 2P News is back,” said Kelly Androgyn, a reader since 2013. “I haven’t laughed this hard since the introduced the Dear Andy series in 2014. I’ll be keeping an eye on their stock and maybe even snag a job myself.”
Expansion Plans
The success has prompted a facilities upgrade, too: 2P News’ modest 75-square-foot shed HQ, located in Flowman’s parents’ backyard, will now include two ergonomic stools and a high-tech coffee machine, replacing the folding chairs and instant coffee station that once kept the team fuelled. A complete shed expansion is planned for early 2025, adding an additional 15 square feet and—rumour has it—a second window, not to mention the construction of a 3 shopping cart underground parkade.
With record profits and a growing fanbase, the founders have announced several new initiatives. These include a Bendovus Energy Chronicles series, which promises to merge satire with industry insights, and an AI-powered “Chucklebot” designed to analyze the humour quotient of every headline before publication.
A Call to Readers
As part of the growth strategy, 2P News is calling on readers to sign up for their newsletter and share articles across social media. “This comedy revolution needs you,” Flowman urged. “We’ll be monitoring social shares, and if you’re not sharing, we might just start publishing unflattering pieces about our quietest fans,” he added with a wink.
With the resurgence in laugh productivity and a wave of new hires, 2P News is optimistic that this growth will last well into 2025.