CALGARY, Alberta, August 26, 2024 — In a shocking but perhaps no longer surprising twist, City of Calgary officials, under direction from leader Jyoki Gonyet, have announced a new round of stringent water restrictions as the Bearspaw Feeder Water Main, affectionately nicknamed “Calgary’s Hydrated Nightmare,” has yet again revealed more issues. These issues, of course, were found after yet another routine inspection that turned into an emergency crisis meeting.
City engineers have described the current state of the Bearspaw Water Main with words such as “bewildering,” “concerning,” and, most alarmingly, “wet.” When asked to elaborate, chief engineer Joey Dribble, P.Eng., stated, “It’s just water, water everywhere, but not a drop that can be safely piped into homes. It’s like the pipe wants to exist in a state of perpetual wetness, yet refuses to deliver water to the people who need it. In some ways it reminds me of how city council runs the city – taxpayers’ money everywhere, but not real services to speak of!”
The water main, which has become more of a “water off-main,” has had a series of mishaps ranging from a catastrophic explosion in mid-June, to mysterious leaks to sudden bouts of stubborn non-functionality. The current round of issues includes what city officials have tactfully referred to as “structural irregularities,” “alignment anomalies,” and “profoundly misplaced confidence in 1970s infrastructure.”
Faced with the latest chaos, the city has enacted new water restrictions, which some residents are calling “outrageous,” “confusing,” and “perfect for the desert we’re becoming.” The restrictions, effective immediately, limit Calgarians to the following water uses:
1. **Shower every third day:** To conserve water, residents are now required to plan their showers around the city’s new “Day 1, Day 3, Day 6” schedule. When asked why Day 2 was skipped, officials cited “anomalies in the lunar calendar and a general vibe check.” For most engineers who reside in the city, this new showering mandate amounts to a 10-fold increase in the frequency of when they bathe.
2. **No lawn watering unless it rains:** The city has also banned all forms of manual lawn watering unless the rain has been seen in the forecast within the last 12 hours. This has led to a new grassroots movement of “rain dancers” popping up across the city in hopes of bringing downpours to Calgary’s increasingly parched backyards.
3. **Toilet flushing on even-numbered days only:** Under the new guidelines, flushing is limited to every second day. The city has assured residents that this is completely sanitary, provided that toilets are flushed with swift, efficient enthusiasm on the allowed days.
4. **Only half-full baths are permitted:** Calgarians are being urged to fill their bathtubs to no more than half capacity. For those who enjoy a full soak, city officials suggest considering the symbolism of “half-full” as an exercise in positive thinking. According to a 311 complaint filed by a resident of Royal Oak, her neighbour, Geoff Geezlum, P.Geo., was noted as having full baths, but when she asked him about it, he just replied that, “I was just trying to fill the top half of the bath, but somehow some water just kept filling the bottom half – the city didn’t specify which half to fill for Pete’s sake.”
City spokesperson Tasha Thirst commented, “While these measures might seem extreme, we’re asking Calgarians to be patient as we figure out how to fix a water main that seems to have a mind of its own. We’re not saying that the Bearspaw Water Main is haunted, but if it were, that would explain a lot. I wouldn’t be surprised if you say a feature-length film about this water main directed by Calgary-based Kim Phloop of Dwellers of the Deep fame.”
Meanwhile, City Council has reassured the public that a full and complete resolution will be reached by the year 2050. “We’re confident that our grandchildren will be able to enjoy water flowing freely through their taps,” said Mayor Jyoki Gonyet. “Until then, we’re asking residents to embrace this as a way to build character and resilience.”
As Calgarians adjust to their new water-saving lifestyle, many have taken to social media to share tips on efficient bathing, strategic dishwashing, and rain dance choreography. The hashtag #BearsPawBlues is trending as residents navigate the uncertain waters of life under strict water restrictions.