SAN FRANCISCO, California – In an unprecedented move that has left political analysts scratching their heads and comedians rubbing their hands in glee, Vice President Kamala Harris announced today that action star and martial arts legend Chuck Norris will be her running mate in the 2024 presidential election.
The surprising decision came in response to the mounting tensions of the 2024 Presidential election race, with Harris’s campaign strategists apparently deciding that traditional methods of debate preparation and policy proposals were simply not enough. Instead, they’ve opted for a strategy of sheer, unadulterated fear.
“We were looking for someone who could send a clear message,” said Harris in a press conference, flanked by Norris who was dressed in his signature denim jeans and a “World’s Toughest Vice President” t-shirt. “And who better to deliver that message than Chuck Norris? The man was exposed to the Corona Virus back in 2020 and IT had to quarantine for two weeks. Let me tell ya, he attended a feminist rally in Sacramento, California back in March of this year and walked out with an ironed shirt and a sandwich. Do you know why there is no life on mars, because my running mate visited it back in June, 1983 – it’s that simple. Do you think Chuck ever dials a wrong number? Of course not, people just answer the wrong phone. This guy means business, and with him there’s no way we can lose!”
According to sources close to the Harris campaign, the move was designed to scare her opponents, former President Donald Trump and Senate candidate J.D. Vance, into dropping out of the race. “When Trump sees Chuck Norris’s steely gaze, he might just decide that a quiet life in Mar-a-Lago sounds better than facing him in a debate,” a senior campaign advisor noted, while nervously tapping their pen on a stack of Chuck Norris biographies.
Insiders revealed that Norris’s selection was influenced by several key factors: his legendary status, his impressive ability to fend off both fictional villains and real-world threats, and his reputation for making even the most formidable opponents think twice before engaging.
“We tried everything from policy proposals to bipartisan agreements,” said Harris. “But nothing seemed to have the desired effect. So we thought, why not pull out the big guns? Chuck Norris’s mere presence should be enough to make Trump and Vance question their life choices.”
In response to the announcement, Trump took to his social media platform to issue a statement: “Chuck Norris? Really? I’ve faced off against many things—fake news, crooked Hillary, and even the deep state. But Chuck Norris? Even I know when to back off. That’s a level of toughness I’m not willing to mess with. I know if Vance and I fuck around with Mr. Norris, we are sure to find out, and find out real quick.”
Vance, meanwhile, could not be reached for comment, but sources close to his campaign report that he has been spotted practicing karate kicks and building a fortified bunker in his campaign headquarters.
Political analysts are divided on the effectiveness of Harris’s strategy. Some argue that the choice of Norris is a brilliant masterstroke that could redefine political campaigns, while others suggest that it might just be the most entertaining yet futile attempt at altering the course of an election in history.
Regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: the 2024 election has officially become the most action-packed, high-octane political spectacle in recent memory. With Chuck Norris now in the mix, voters are eagerly waiting to see if the rest of the campaign will involve high-speed chases, epic showdowns, or perhaps an impromptu round of dodgeball in the Oval Office.
As Harris and Norris embark on their campaign tour, the country watches with bated breath, knowing that in this election, anything can happen—especially if Chuck Norris is involved.
Despite having no political experience, Mr. Norris believes if guys such as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse “The Body” Ventura can enter politics, then so can he.
