Full disclosure: This article was actually written by an artificial intelligence program, CrapGPT.
KILAUEA, HAWAII – Recently, out of the blue, I received a mysterious phone call from a man identifying himself as Dr. I. P. Freely of the Kilauea Observatory in Hawaii. He said that he had vital information regarding the fate of the Earth that he wished to share with the public and that the most efficient way to get the word out was by addressing 2PNews’ vast audience.
Desiring a vacation anyway, I skipped doing my due diligence on the good doctor and booked a flight to Hilo, Hawaii. This is on what’s called the Big Island where the observatory is located. I could combine a meeting with Dr. Freely with a couple of weeks on the beach. Visions of piña coladas and grass skirts were swishing and dancing in my head.
It turns out that the Kilauea Observatory is a volcano observatory, not an astronomical observatory. When I realized this, the acronym WTF dominated my thoughts. What could be so critical about a volcanic eruption such that a worldwide alert of imminent destruction was necessary? It has been widely reported that the Yellowstone supervolcano could erupt and plunge the world into a new ice age, but Kilauea is not in that category.
It also turned out that Dr. Freely dreamed that a massive asteroid was en route to Earth from Uranus and collision was imminent. This revelation occurred following a session of smoking a large quantity of Maui Wowie combined with breathing the gases coming off the volcano.
I suggested to Dr. Freely that perhaps the asteroid could be diverted if we sacrificed a human being to the volcano gods and that he should volunteer. He had long since come down from the drug-induced high and refused. What a sissy.