OTTAWA, Ontario – It has been almost a month since Sophie Grégoire Trudeau and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau shocked the nation when they revealed that they have separated. The coupled asked for privacy during these very, very difficult times, and it was granted. But now, Sophie Grégoire Trudeau has reached out to 2P News to tell all, in an uncensored chat with our own staff counsellor, Andy Killinger, from our class-leading Ask Andy column.
Andy Killinger: So, lay it on me, Sophie, I won’t even ask a question to kick things off.
Sophie Grégoire Trudeau: I don’t even know where to start, Andy. Let’s start with his sock fetish. I just don’t understand his fascination with colourful socks – it’s unhealthy, it doesn’t make sense. He has a 1,500 square foot walk-in closet dedicated to his socks. Each pair is dry cleaned by the finest martinizing shop in town. He hangs each pair up on this special hangers that he had a specialty store make for him. Would you believe the son-of-a-bitch combs his socks and to ensure that all of the fibres face the same direction? He says, “Hey hon, I’ll be down shortly for dinner, I only have 17 more pairs of socks to polarize.” How does anybody deal with that shit?
AK: I find that hard to believe, yet very believable. Okay, okay, but you’ve gotta tell me about his hair and how much he seemingly admires himself.
SGT: Holy God! Nobody, and I mean nobody, is allowed to touch JT’s hair except himself. When he asks me to push his Cadbury uphill with a red strap on dildo, which is often, I want to just grab his hair and call him Céleste. But the first and last time I tried he send me to the walk-in with a fractured forearm. And get this, he sleeps with his head off the end of the bed so that not even his pillow or bed touch his hair. Along this line, his favourite item in the world is a mirror. We have a bespoke 20′ x 20′ room in the basement that is lined with nothing but mirrors – walls, floor, ceiling, you name it. He spends at least 3, one hour sessions in that room every day admiring himself from every angle while listening to Cher’s “I Got You Babe” on repeat on his AirPods. The room is soundproof so that he is not bothered during these sessions. Again, how does one live with that?
AK: Well, that I didn’t know, but again it doesn’t surprise me. You made a #jokingnotjoking post a number of years ago on social media about the way he speaks and alluded to the idea that he needs speech therapy. Please elaborate on that for us.
SGT: When we met 20 years ago, I noticed that he didn’t pronounce words properly in either English or French, so I was like WTF? You’d figure he’d be able to talk properly in at least one official language. He talks as though there is something in his mouth, but the guy doesn’t eat because he says he doesn’t want to gain weight. I did some research, and it turns out that he has a condition called Labium Inferius Oris la Corpus Spongiosum Lingus (LIOCSL), which I learned is medical term for permanent damage to the nerves of the lower lip from years of, errrr… sucking on… ummm… well… I’ll just leave it at that. There is no cure for LIOCSL, but it can be treated by years of similar action on a female, but it’s been 20 years and he still talks like that – so that ought to tell you something. Needless to say, our bedroom life was lacking significantly. <She starts to sob>
AK: Are you okay? We can take a break. What’s up?
SGT: <progressively louder weeping> I don’t know if I should say this…
AK: Oh, please, do tell, Sophie. I am here to comfort you.
SGT: I… I am… <more weeping> deep down inside… I am… <full out balling>… I have very strong… right wing conservative views. <waaah… waaah… sob… sob…> I’ve been blue since birth… my goal was to pretend to be red, marry, the bastard knowing that he would some day run the country, but then convert him to blue before he took office. But it didn’t work… just like our love life… <sob, sob> I was a charlatan… a fake… I couldn’t live with myself… that’s <waaaaaaaah> a big reason for the split.
AK: It’s okay, Sophie, it’s okay. Why don’t you come back to the nurses room in our back office with me? There’s a place where you can lie down and let everything out and even sleep if you need. I have a special tea that will help you relax. And I’ll be standing right next to you if you need anything.
SGT: Okay, Andy, thank you very much. That is so kind of you.
As the two went off to the medical quarters, Sophie said she has much more to say about the reasons for the split, in particular with how Justin was such an extreme feminist that he was anti-women. She also noted in passing how she often wakes up to Justin sleep-talking phrases such as, “Give it to me, Poilievre… yeah, just like that! Harder! Faster! Fasions cela! FAISONS CELA! You blue son of a bitch!”
That doesn’t make much sense to us here at 2P News, but then again, that’s right on brand for Mr. Trudeau.