“If you’re an engineer or geologist and plan to visit the stampede grounds, you’d better think again, because our Public Safety Task Force will have a significant presence, ticket books, writing utensils, and we’ll be fixin’ to do some writin’,” Master Sergeant Rob Banks told 2P News this morning.
- Aggravated Geology with a Crayon
- Public Lewdness with a Calculator
- Rectal Flaring with Malicious Intent in a Public Space
- AFE Laundering (aka Tampering with Supps)
- Theft of Seismic over $10,000
- Concealing Crude-Saturated Core Plugs for the Purposes of Making the Slowest Burning Molotov Cocktail Ever Made
- Illegal Use of a Rock Hammer in Wack-A-Mole
- Use of a Section of Polished Rod in Pocket to Lure a Partner Under False Pretences
- Possession of an open container of 25% HCL for the purposes of securing a date
- Impersonating a Professional Engineer for the Purposes of Involuntary Fornication
- Use of Engineering Talk to Confuse Carnies Causing General Mayhem
- Failure to Produce an Iron or Earth Ring After Being Detained
- Over-Stressing and Damaging the Suspension of a Police Cruiser Post Arrest (applies only to male spacetime-warping geologists)
- Uttering Threats to “those people” Who Designed the Carnival Rides (applies only to know-it-all engineers)
- Removal of Iron Ring to Impersonate a Normal Human Being for the Purposes of Picking up a Bae
2P News’ Staff Counsellor, Andy Killinger, from the uber-popular Dear Andy series explains to readers that if you’re an engineer or geologist, especially one who is unemployed and likes to drink, and you don’t want to be touched by law enforcement, it’s best just to visit the Stampede Show grounds dressed in drag or donning attire made from rainbows.
A note from the editor: For a special treat, click here to see a list of all of the 2P News articles written about the Calgary Stampede Show dating back to 2013. Enjoy and yippee ki yay, melon farmer!!