CALGARY, Alberta – Every day, it seems, someone else falls foul of the New Censors. They are accused of either offending the evangelists of political correctness or are deemed guilty of so-called socio-cultural (mis)appropriation. The latest example this week was a sin committed against the all-pervasive modern creed behind gender politics, which dictates that anyone who uses language deemed sexist must be punished, forced to apologize, and then destroyed by fire. What’s new here, you ask? Well, for as long as many of us have tried to keep this way of thinking away from the oil and gas industry, I hate to say that it’s not only coming, but it’s here.
So, in this instalment of 2P News’ Top Ten series, we talk about politically correct madness that is spreading to our beloved oil and gas industry: The left’s thought police continues to censor language as bitumen is labelled sexist. So, what can you expect to hear and be required to say without getting your hand slapped the next time you’re out in the field or bantering about the water cooler at the head office? Check out our Top Ten new and revised politically correct oil and gas terms below.
10. Intermediate Casing
- Rationale: Eye spy with my little eye, something that looks like me! We all know damn well by now that the term me is not inclusive, don’t we? This has to be fixed.
- New term: Interusdiate Casing
9. Bitumen
- Rationale: Bitumen? Did somebody say men as in man? No, no, no, no!
- New term: Bitufolk (thanks for this one our fearless federal leader!)
8. Crude Oil
- Rationale: Crude sorta sounds like rude, and the far left-leaners think rude is, well, rude, so it’s gotta go.
- New term: Off Colour Energy Rich Liquid from the Subsurface
7. Homogenous & Heterogenous
- Rationale: Well, this one goes without saying.
- New term: 2SLGBTQ+genous (yes, the same term will be used to describe both words which mean opposite things)
6. Kill Switch
- Rationale: Kill, ooooooooh, such a horrible word that strikes fear in so bleeding-hearters! We can’t be using that term in the oil and gas industry, despite that’s what the Feds are indeed trying to do to it.
- New term: Button that Turns Everything Off Immediately
5. Orphan Sites
- Rationale: The word orphan has negative connotations, huh? And negative things may offend the weak, and we don’t want or need that, do we?
- New term: Sites without Parents
4. Derrick
- Rationale: Derrick Fairweather, president of the Pembina Cardium Institute, does not want his name associated with drilling oil and gas wells.
- New term: Drilling Structure
3. Hydraulic Fracturing
- Rationale: <crickets chirping>
- New term: <crickets chirping>
2. Proppant
- Rationale: Proppant? Prop-pant? Pant? Pants? Men often wear pants, huh? So that ain’t gonna cut it.
- New term: Propbottoms or Propslacks
1. Landman
- Rationale: Well, we all know that a landman can be a woman and we’ve been calling women landmen landmen for decades. But that’s not gonna cut it anymore.
- New term: Gender-Neutral Purveyor of Territorial Districts
And last-minute bonus entry:
0. Broker Participation
- Rationale: The generation-alpha, leftist, social justice warriors love living a lifestyle of wokeness that brings them extreme happiness in a blissful environment of ignorance.
- New term: Bwoker Participation
Well, there you have it. These are just the top 10 updated PC oil and gas terms, there are unfortunately many, many more. Do you have some? If so, feel free to share in the comments.