14 People Charged with Conspiracy to Kidnap in Central Alberta

Red Deer, Alberta – This morning, 9 men and 5 women were arrested and charged with Conspiracy to Kidnap and forcibly confine all residents of Carbon, a small town in central Alberta.

The individuals were discovered using a social media page to coordinate their plan.  The group’s intention was to round up all residents of Carbon and confine them in a sea can container until such time as they could be moved and released safely in a state or country with lower Carbon regulations.  Yes.  They claim they were following the Alberta premier’s orders to do more Carbon capture in Alberta.

Randy Fretomeir, one of the individuals responsible for the plan, gave a short statement through her legal representative.

“We have been told over and over again we needs to do more capturing of Carbon.  Now we ain’t got much against these people, but damn if we can’t at least help with this.  The Premier said no more Carbon and let’s fight Omdecacron, so dammit that’s what we were doing!” – RAndy Fretomeir, ring leader

While there was no one actually “captured” and placed in the vessel, the intent was real and it seems like they were going to ship the container to somewhere in North Africa where environmental and air quality regulations are much less restrictive.

“No one from the town of Carbon was approached or even aware of this plan.  I think we have a case here of WELL-INTENTIONED Albertans trying to do what the government wants, and just getting the wrong message from the Premier.  We’ll be arguing that these 14 people should be acquitted due to the mixed messaging from the government.  If they don’t want people to capture Carbon, they shouldn’t tell people to Capture carbon.” – Ted Frunk, LL. B., Abserd, Silley, & Dumm

According to an agreed statement of facts, the group was insidiously planning to utilize and then sequester the captured individuals deep, deep underground in a depleted gas pool or saline aquifer in Alberta’s industrial heartland area just north of Edmonton, again, as suggested by government literature.