CALGARY, Alberta – We at 2P News are proud to announce a new competition for our handful of faithful readers. Within its vast borders, Canada plays host to a number of unique animals found nowhere else on Earth. This will be your chance to shoot one. All you have to do is find it while equipped with a suitable firearm or other weapon. Prizes will be announced shortly and will be paid in looniecoin.
The holy grail of targets is the hyper-elusive Arctic Crocodile. Just about any hunting rifle can be used. The best part of finding and shooting one is the absolute apoplexy it will cause to the tree huggers.
The werewolf-moose hybrid is still on the loose, terrorizing much of Alberta. Since a werewolf is involved, a silver bullet would be prudent, and with a moose thrown into the mix it should be a large calibre. You probably should have more than one cartridge and maybe some wolfsbane.
Lakshmi the carnivorous elephant has amazingly avoided detection while hiding in the forest. Come on, folks, finding this one should be a slam dunk. It’s an elephant. You should carry a Winchester .458 Magnum, Weatherby .460 Magnum or other rifle of that ilk.
The Bow River Kraken, Sid, may be the hardest animal to kill. The RCMP confiscated Andy Killinger’s 40 mm Bofors autocannon but maybe he can tell you where to get another one. That’s the minimum weaponry we recommend. Anything less will just piss off Sid and all of Calgary will pay the price.
Sasquatch may or may not be a sentient being. It is known that the Himalayan Yetis are intelligent. However, this does not mean that any in North America are. Just to be safe we recommend using a tranquilizer dart rifle first, try talking to it and if it doesn’t respond or speaks French, then shoot it. And for heaven’s sake don’t kill some cosplay guy in a Chewbacca costume.
There are a few rules. There must be enough left of the animal to be identifiable, so don’t use a flamethrower. If the cops or game wardens arrest you, that’s just too bad. We take no responsibility. Decision of our judges regarding prizes is final.
