CALGARY, Alberta – I’ve already talked about our newsroom debate over the probable outcome of a Godzilla versus Gamera matchup. Over a case or two of Moosepeace, we also considered the relative merits of comic book Superman and the original comic book Captain Marvel (not the new movie female Captain Marvel or the Marvel Captain Marvel). Here is what we think is the most important information about each:
Superman Captain Marvel
Secret Identity Clark Kent, Billy Batson,
Wimpy Reporter Wimpy Newsboy
Powers Super Strength, X-Ray Super Strength,
Vision, Flying, etc. Flying, etc., etc.
Genitalia None apparent None apparent
Weakness Kryptonite Poison Gas
Arch Enemy Lex Luthor Dr. Sivana
Main Squeeze Lois Lane Lois Lane*
Costume Colors Red, Blue & Gold Red and Yellow
Believes In Truth, Justice & Communism
The American Way
*Superman was the last to find out!
It was clear to me that Captain Marvel was a communist. His costume was the same colors as the USSR flag (note the dominant red) and he was unscrupulous enough to move in on Superman’s girlfriend. The lightning bolt on his chest looked suspiciously like the hammer in the hammer & sickle symbol. Dr. Sivana referred to him as “that big red cheese.” To transform from Billy Batson into Captain Marvel he had to say the word “Shazam!” This is almost identical to “Ŝħïξžàąm” that in Albanian means “Death to Capitalism!” Plus, his cape was this fruity over-one-shoulder thing. Flowman and McGuilicuddy say I’m full of crap, but I know a commie when I see one. I bet he knows how to speak Russian and Mandarin. And what army commissioned him a captain?
P. S. The original artist for Captain Marvel comic books used the actor Fred McMurray as his model. At least McMurray wasn’t a Hollywood pinko, as far as I know. Indeed, he was a staunch Republican, aligned with Ronald Reagan.