OTTAWA, Ontario – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced at a press conference today that he is sick of hearing about Canada being a country full of nice, polite people but who are laughed at for being wimps by practically everybody else on the planet. He said, “You know, it’s kind of embarrassing when I’m talking to people like Putin and Xi about important stuff and they say ‘What are you going to do about it? Drop a moose on us?’ We do have a military and one of these days I’ll find out where it is and who’s in charge of it. Then those foreign guys will be sorry.”
Among the measures that he is taking are:
The national anthem “O Canada” will be changed to Queen’s “We are the Champions.” Everybody already knows it and the stomping part is a lot of fun. An alternate is “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Its main qualification is that “Bohemian Rhapsody” mentions the fandango, the new national dance of Canada.
Curling will no longer be played with granite stones. Instead, land mines will be used. The brooms will be replaced by mine detectors. This will get rid of the sissies for sure.
The werewolf image used on a $2 commemorative coin will replace the loon on the Canadian $1 coin. Maybe it will get a little more respect then.
Testosterone pills will be both free and mandatory for all males and any females who want them.
Hockey players from Bulgaria will be imported to teach Canadians how to riot properly and deal with police and soldiers. A slap shot takes on a new meaning.
The border with the USA will be fortified with niacin, Vitamin C, Vitamin D and essential minerals like concertina wire. In the event of a ground attack by US troops, Canadian soldiers will be position across the entire border, one hockey stick length apart, armed with goalie sticks and Super Soakers loaded with maple syrup.
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Everybody in Quebec will be told to shut the hell up. Spoken in French, bien sûr.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre will be remade into The Manitoba Chainsaw Massacre. However, so far Justin Bieber is refusing to wear the mask.
Poutine will be replaced with jalapeño peppers. They’re better with cheese than gravy. Once Canadians develop a tolerance for these peppers, habaneros, ghost and Carolina reaper peppers will be introduced.
Pugs and dachshunds will no longer be used as police dogs. Nobody ever took them seriously anyway.
Canada will attack a small eastern European country, likely Turkey, to flex its military might. It plans to send soldiers under the guise of NATO support, but once there, soldiers will be ordered to “start swingin’.”
So there you have it. Considering the aforementioned, I don’t think there is anybody that will still believe that Canada is full of nice, loving, apologetic, kind-natured, toque-wearing, poutine-eating, moose-riding sissies.
