OTTAWA, Ontario – An extraterrestrial spaceship landed on the front lawn of 24 Sussex in Ottawa and by radio issued a request that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau come to the spaceship, board it and return to their home planet. The craft was immediately surrounded by four Royal Canadian Mounted Police, two janitors and Lawrence the new Gila monster guard lizard. The vessel did not appear to be armed or display any hostile intent, so any military deployment was put on hold.
When Mr. Trudeau declined to accede to the request, a representative emerged from the spaceship and addressed the gathered reporters. He identified himself as Gordon Shumway of the planet Melmac. He said, “Years ago, a Melmackian ship crashed on Earth in northern Canada and the infant you call Justin was the only survivor. To help him adapt to his new home, his adoptive parents, the Trudeaus, had extensive plastic surgery and electrolysis performed on him so he could pass for human. We were finally able to track the ship to Earth and now we’re here to return Justin to his actual family. By the way, his real name is Francis.
“Just to make sure we had the right individual, we stayed in orbit for several months and monitored Canadian news broadcasts. Sure enough, only someone who is at heart one of us would behave like Justin. Perfectly normal for a Melmackian but weird for a human. That convinced us we had the right guy.”
Canadian politics were immediately thrown into turmoil. If Mr. Trudeau did return to Melmac, who would succeed him as Prime Minister? The fact that he may not be a Canadian citizen could invalidate everything he has done as a politician. This may not be such a bad thing, but it will lead to many complications.
Mr. Trudeau finally appeared at the landing site and met with Mr. Shumway. Their conversation was held in camera and no details were released. However, a recording made using a long-range directional microphone picked up part of their dialogue and it appears that Trudeau is heir to a political dynasty on Melmac. If he returned to Melmac he would become absolute ruler of the entire planet. He thought about it for all of a microsecond and agreed to return. The spacecraft departed immediately.
However, the final bit of voice on the recording was Mr. Shumway whispering to another crewmember, “The moron bought it.”
