CALGARY, Alberta – Andy Killinger, 2P News Staff Counselor, has been kidnapped by a group of what may be international terrorists. The kidnapping occurred on the steps of the Beau Tower in downtown Calgary in broad daylight. Witnesses report that Killinger was enticed into a van with promises of cheap booze and free pornography. He reportedly rushed into the van where he was clubbed over the head and tied up. The van drove off at a leisurely pace, as if the driver was sure no one would try to intervene. Indeed, no one did.
Inspector John J. Fadoozle of the Calgary Police Service released the following statement to the press: “To be honest, the guy has been a big pain in the ass for Calgary police for years so we’re not looking all that hard. Despite our animosity, if we get a ransom note we promise to read it.” At the insistence of 2P News co-founders Dr. Darcy Flowman and Antoine McGuilicuddy the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) has reluctantly taken over the investigation. One lead is being actively pursued.
Chief Thunderthud of the First Nation Oorangnak band located just outside of Calgary, denied having anything to do with the kidnapping, despite abundant forensic evidence of their involvement. A bunch of feathers, a rawhide lanyard and a peace pipe were found at the scene of the kidnapping. Thunderthud said that the so-called evidence is just crap left over from Stampede and is refusing any further co-operation with the white devil slave masters. The RCMP has launched several aerodoodle drones to scan the tribal lands for any clues.
2P News is appealing to the Calgary community for financial aid in the event a ransom demand is made. So far pledges amount to $42, a looniecoin and a Tim Hortons coupon for an 8-pack of TimBiebs. Many more people, mostly women, pledged to put up the bail for any kidnappers who are caught. This report will be updated as new information becomes available.