Dear Andy,
I really liked your advice on what to say to combative women in a recent column. [June 18, 2021. – Ed.] I have a similar situation. My kids have gotten to the age where they know everything and have turned into surly smartasses. I don’t know if you have any kids but I bet you can come up with some good retorts to their neverending bullshit. Can you help?
– Frustrated Dad
Dear Frustrated,
I don’t have any children, that is, none that I know about but I have plenty of nieces and nephews, so I know what you’re talking about. I’ve never slapped one of the mouthy little shits but I’ve come close. I went by the store and picked up a case of Moosepeace and sat down to consider your request. Here goes:
Kid: I didn’t ask to be born.
Me: Neither did I.
Kid: You’re just not being fair!
Me: What isn’t fair is that you don’t pay room and board.
Kid: But all the other kids are doing it!
Me: That means they’re even more ignorant than you.
Kid: But you promised!
Me: I had my fingers crossed, just like you always do.
Kid: Why can’t I have a Play Station 5 for my room?
Me: You can. Just go down to Best Buy and pay for one.
Kid: You never let me do anything!
Me: You’re breathing, aren’t you?
Kid: I hate you!
Me: God will send you to hell for breaking the fifth commandment.*
Kid: Why are you so mean to me?
Me: Aren’t you the kid who just said you hate me?
Kid: Why do I have to go to school?
Me: It’s cheaper than hiring an armed guard to watch your every move.
Kid: Why do I have to cut the grass? Just hire a landscaper.
Me: I tried renting a goat but it smells even worse than your room.
Kid: Why won’t you let me get a tattoo?
Me: I will, provided it’s the word “Dumbass” etched on your forehead.
Kid: You never let me do anything!
Me: That’s because you always wind up costing me time and money.
So, Frustrated Dad, the key is to never let the little extortionists get the upper hand. That is, don’t be defensive but rather counterattack immediately. And for God’s sake don’t get your wife in the loop. She’ll think you’re being horrible and undercut you.
*”Honor thy father and thy mother”
