Dear Andy,
I’m a 30-ish single engineer in Calgary who by some miracle is still employed. Like every other engineer I have a hard time talking to women, especially now that they’re all so combative. With your experience I bet you have some good replies to the crap that gets handed to us males these days. Please share.
– Jack U. Layte, P. Eng.
Dear Jack:
Good on you for being an engineer in Calgary who is still employed. So are you working at The Home Depot, Lowes, or Walmart? Anyhow, I have found myself in a huge variety of delicate and not-so-delicate situations with females. So, you bet I have some good replies. Now, this is not an exhaustive list of what to say, but it should give you an idea of how to handle their bullshit. And remember, Jack, a good number of these women who you’re having a hard time dealing with are also engineers, and that might explain why they are so combative. Because that’s just the way engineers are – always so combative and defensive.
Her: Hey, Perv, my eyes are up here!
Me: Yeah, but what I want to look at is down there.
Her: My God, do you have to fart so much?
Me: If I don’t fart eventually I’ll explode and you don’t want that.
Her: Is that your fourteenth can of Moosepeace?
Me: Yes. Yes it is. And you’re looking exceptionally lovely tonight.
Her: Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
Me: Just because you have a pussy doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
Her: I want to go to the ballet.
Me: Then go.
Her: Why do you always wear a hat? Do you have a bald spot?
Me: Why do you always wear a bra? Do you have boobs?
Her: You never pay any attention to what I want and that has to change!
Me: Does more shit come out of your mouth or your a$$hole?
Her: You need to lose weight.
Me: You need to shut the hell up.
Her: I don’t think this is working out.
Me: Men drink, belch and fart. Get over it.
Her: I don’t think this is working out.
Me: Save your breath. You’ll need it to bl@w me later.
Her: When did you stop caring?
Me: When you stopped giving unsolicited road noggin’.
Her: You are such a pig!
Me: Oink.
Her: I think we need to talk.
Me: <blank stare>
Her: I think we need to talk.
Me: <blank stare>
Her: I think we need to talk.
Me: <thousand mile stare>
Her: I think we need to talk.
Me:
Her: I think we need to talk.
Me:
Her: I think we need to talk.
Me:
Her: <Storms out of room and slams the door>
Me: Sweet, now where did I put that rum?
Jack, I hope this helps, because it works for me. Being an engineer is a severe handicap, but with perseverance you can overcome it.
Andy Killinger, 2P News Staff Counselor
