“Stupid is as stupid does.” – Forrest Gump
CALGARY, Alberta – Professor Terry Bight, chair of the Information Technology and Electric Car Repair Department at the University of Calgary announced today a fundamental re-organization of the department. A very large number of scientists and technicians are working to develop AI (artificial intelligence) systems all over the world. Because it is such a crowded field, Prof. Bight came to believe that any efforts by UofC would be futile and a waste of resources, so he set out to find a new direction for his department.
He took inspiration from other departments at the university that made major changes due to a lack of funding, effects of the pandemic or just for the hell of it. For example, the Physics Department quit studying gravity and now concentrates on antigravity. The Mathematics Department quit trying to find a square with the identical area of a circle and is now searching for a circle that has the same area as a square. The Alchemy Department no longer is trying to turn lead into gold and instead is trying to turn a kilogram of lead into a kilogram of feathers.
The department will apply for grants from the national and provincial governments as well as many private foundations to begin work on developing AS (artificial stupidity). At first glance this concept may strike people as useless since there is such an abundance of human stupidity, especially in Ottawa and Edmonton. However, even stupid people don’t like being called stupid. Imagine the benefit to politicians and bureaucrats of being able to blame a computer for their acts of incompetence. Prof. Bight believes this will quickly loosen the governmental purse strings. Edmonton would love to blame the Keystone XL Pipeline fiasco on a computer rather than its own stupidity.
Executives in the oil and gas industry are ecstatic over the possible replacement of engineers and geologists with AS software. Mr. Max Avarice, CEO of TexxonMogul, was quite vociferous, saying “I’m writing UofC a huge check to be first in line for AS. No matter what the software comes up with, it’ll still be an improvement over what I get out of those train drivers and stoners.” He even danced a little two-step on his way to his office’s bar.
