[Editor’s Note: Given the subject matter, we felt this report was right up Andy’s alley.]
PYONGYANG, People’s Republic of Korea – Kim Jong-Un, the dictator of North Korea, went on television to announce that his ballistic missile attack on South Korea, Guam, Japan, the Philippines and Indonesia this morning was all a big mistake. He said, “석탄 광부 (Coal Miner), my cat, was in my office, saw a big red ball and mistook it for a cat toy. Unfortunately, it was the launch button for my Strategic Rocket Forces. All I can say is ‘Oops! Bad cat!’ Sorry about the mess he made.”
North Korean diplomats were frantically assuring the affected countries and the world that it was unintentional and that North Korea was really, really sorry and it will never happen again. The cat has been banned from Kim’s office.
None of the ballistic missiles were nuclear-armed but the damage to military installations and nearby civilian facilities was severe. Particularly hard hit was Anderson Air Force Base on the island of Guam. The normally even-tempered U. S. president Joe Biden had to be dissuaded from retaliating with nuclear weapons. However, he was heard to say, “That square-headed little troll has pissed us off for the last time!”
Kim would have continued his broadcast but approximately two hundred Tomahawk cruise missiles launched by the U. S. Air Force and Navy arrived at his palace simultaneously. Each missile carried 1,000 lb of super-high explosive PBXN-107. The blasts completely leveled about 500 hectares of downtown Pyongyang and dug a massive crater.
The U. S. government sent a diplomatic note to North Korea’s ambassador to the UN that simply said, “Oops. Sorry about the mess we made.”
