NEW YORK, New York – Hedge funds, Wall Street tycoons and assorted fat cats are crying foul over the recent run-up in the stock price of GameStomp, a company that owns a chain of brick-and-mortar stores dealing in electronic games. They had all taken short positions on the stock. This means that if the stock declines in price, they make a lot of money. So conversely, if the stock increases in price, they lose a lot of money. The whole thing is supposed to be rigged so the funds can’t lose. However, a large group of small investors acted in concert to drive up the price with the objective of screwing the short sellers.
Said Chester A. Riley of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe,
Chester A. Riley
“What a revolting development this is! We’re the ones who rig the game, not a bunch of suckers on Reddit. We depend on thousands of small investors who we can hoodwink into thinking they know what they’re doing. They don’t. Our game plan is to shear the sheep and sell the wool year after year, not slaughter them for a one-time gain.”
Never one to waste a good crisis, hedge fund Scruem Royal Lee is mobilizing its army of lobbyists in Washington, D. C. to convince the U. S. congress that it is deserving of a federal bail-out. Chief Executive Officer Hiram N. Firam confided, “Yeah, we lost a few billion, but no biggie. My wife spends that much shopping in Paris every year. But, it’s getting a lot of attention in the press so we’ll convince congress that we’re at death’s door and that we’ll take down the entire country if we go under. We’ll just use our 2008 playbook.”
Oliver “Daddy” Warbucks
Billionaire Oliver “Daddy” Warbucks wonders what everyone is getting so excited about. “Look, the U. S. national debt is $28 trillion dollars. That’s trillion, not billion. It amounts to about $87,000 for every man, woman and child in the country. That’s what you should be worrying about. So the hedge fund assholes lose some ground? With all the money floating around from COVID-19 relief legislation, they can make it up practically overnight. People like Firam are already thinking up some new ways to diddle the nation.”
