Dear Andy,
I’ve been invited to go on a moose hunting expedition up to Yukon Territory this winter and I have no idea what will be involved. You know how to kill things and I’m hoping you have some tips for me. –Would-be Moose Hunter
Dear Would-be,
Of course I have some tips for you. That’s my job at 2P News, unlike those pansies around here who couldn’t lace up a hunting boot to save their delicate little tootsies. So let’s make like a moose turd and hit the trail:
Beer – First of all, you need to be in the mood. Take along one case of Moosepeace Beer for each day that you’ll be in camp. Depending on your bladder capacity, you might also need a lot of underwear. Or Depends.
Rifle – A bull moose is one big-ass animal so you need one big-ass gun. I recommend the Anzio Ironworks 20 millimeter anti-materiél sniper rifle. This thing will blow a hole in a moose so big you can drive your snowmobile through it. All you really want is the head, so aim anywhere in the body. Be sure to wear your earplugs unless you want to listen to bells ringing for the rest of your life.
Guides – Make sure there are multiple guides who will do all the actual work like cooking, cleaning up and cutting the head off of what’s left of the moose to send to a taxidermist. Your job is to relax and assassinate wildlife.
Transportation – The last thing you want to do is walk everywhere in a bunch of deep snow. Don’t bother with snowshoes. Rent a large enclosed snowmobile to carry your beer, rifle and hopefully a moose head. Refer to the picture below. With any luck you can shoot a moose from the roof of the snowmobile.
Accommodations – Does this camp have a cabin or cabins? Believe me, that’s the only way to go. Sleeping in a tent in the Yukon during winter is a good way to lose your toes and fingers. By the way, why the hell is your hunt during winter when the temperature is -42,000°C? Did your father-in-law plan this?
Moose hunting is way more exciting than, say, squirrel hunting. A squirrel can’t kill you but a moose sure as hell can, especially if all you do is wound it. That’s why I recommend the Anzio rifle with the three-round magazine. If you make it back alive, send me some pictures.
Andy Killinger, 2P News Staff Counselor
