OTTAWA, Ontario – Canada will impose swift, certain, and exacting retaliatory actions in response to U.S. President Tonald Drump’s move on Thursday to reimpose a 10% tariff on some Canadian raw aluminum products.
“In response to the American tariffs, we intend to exact retaliation pointing right to that large bully of a country south of us. We may not be able to afford dollar-for-dollar tariffs against that over-sized playground goon, but there are many other ways that we can get back at America,” Deputy Prime Minister Kristina Morecock said in a statement. “We’ll get ’em, and we’ll get ’em good, and this time we really mean it!” she continued.
After a 2-hour, closed-door session on Parliament Hill, high-ranking Canadian government officials, including the Prime Minister and his Minister of Dealing with the US were able to come up with a plan that they feel will be very effective. According to a report leaked to 2P News political correspondent, Rodecker Smith, the government’s countermeasures are unorthodox, and in many cases unprecedented. Here are the top ten retaliatory measures that Canada is planning to take against the United States for the newly imposed tariffs on Canadian aluminum imports.
10
Canada’s First Lady, Miss Sophie, will be banned from texting Melania, and also prevented from air-mailing her 30 frozen tourtières per month that currently satisfy the president’s craving for Canadian french pie.
9
Alberta to fire up another 3 drilling rigs to counter America’s post-2010 drilling success.
8
The Prime Minister will ask Joe Biden to read to bedtime stories to President Trump’s adult children.
7
The Canadian federal government will make the Clintons honorary cabinet ministers, and appoint Barack Obama to the Minister of Trump’s Affairs.
6
Canada to open 10,000 new Him Tortons coffee shops from coast-to-coast across the US and have them offer free coffee to the masses.
5
Government of Canada to partner with Lang & McRaid to erect the world’s largest public address system along the US border through which it will crank Céline Dion’s Greatest Hits CD on repeat until the U.S. tariffs are rescinded.
4
Trudeau will personally cancel all reruns of the original DeGrassi Junior High being fed to US media outlets. It’s okay, Drake, nobody really ever watched or watches that show anyway.
3
Impose a 75% tariff on maple syrup, beavertails, canoes, and decorative moose antlers.
2
Trudeau to attend a Trump rally in Orange Face to show support for the Republican incumbent.
and number 1
Canada Feds will create a $500B grant to re-engage unemployed frac crews from Alberta and BC to frack Alaska into Russian waters. Good luck getting that thing back! “Buh-Bye!”
