Dear Andy,
I recently got laid off again and I’m so pissed I can’t see straight. The cretin who fired me did it with a smile on his face and I want revenge. Cruel, bloody revenge! Do you have any suggestions for me? – Apoplectic Engineer
Dear Apoplectic,
Well, you’ve certainly come to the right person for advice on cruel, bloody revenge. But first, calm down a bit so you can see straight. You’ll need to in order to carry out my instructions and go all Klingon on the cretin. First we’ll do just the cruel part.
1) Mag Spam Him: To start slow, go to your local bookstore and browse through the magazine section. Many magazines have those annoying loose blow-in subscription postcards. Collect a 10 cm stack and sign up your cretin for everything from Ladies Home Journal to Canadian Moose Breeders Digest.
2) Call 1-800-CRETIN-STOPPERS: Your local police department probably has a tip line that people can call to anonymously report a crime or to rat on a friend. Wearing a disguise of heavy Tammy Fay-like makeup, visit your local Walmart and buy a disposable prepaid “burner” phone with cash so the number can’t be traced back to you. Call the tip line and report that your target is dealing drugs from his office at your former employer. Imagine the fun when the search warrant is served.
3) Breakout Outbreak: You can also use the phone to call the Public Health Agency of Canada and report him as Patient Zero in a syphilis outbreak. Be sure to throw the phone away. Never leave evidence laying around.
4) Auto-Corrected Auto: If he has a car, there are all sorts of things you can do to it from deflating the tires, sneaking in a Justin Bieber CD, to punching a hole in the gas tank, but this entails a higher risk of being discovered. Remember, you don’t want to do anything you can get caught at red-handed.
5) Karma Chameleon Him: Other than causing physical injury or death, the best revenge would be to make the cretin lose his own job. If you got a severance package, use some of the money to hire a private investigator to see if the mark has some skeletons in the closet. If you still have friends at your former employer, take them to a bar after work, get them drunk and see if they have any dirt on the cretin. Be sure to get them drunk enough to not remember being questioned. With any luck you can accumulate enough evidence to pass on to the cretin’s boss. How you do that is up to you. I can’t do everything.
Well, there you have it, Apoplectic. See how it goes and if you’re unsatisfied with the results, write me back and we’ll move on to the bloody part of revenge. I have a bunch of really good ideas.
Andy Killinger, Staff Counselor 2P News
