Novel AirSuck™ technology claims it will Make Alberta Tropical Again
Southern California’s annual average temp to drop by 13-15C
Kenney claims construction will create thousands of jobs for displaced public sector former-employees
EDMONTON, Alberta – Premier Jason Kenney announced this morning that his office has reached an agreement with the state of California to share its extra heat resources with Alberta in an effort to boost Alberta tourism over the winter months. In exchange for providing its humid super-heated air, California will receive chilled mountain-fresh air that will help mitigate the effects of its hyper-pollution over the SoCal region. Mr. Kenney spoke to a crowd of over 17-people at a Leduc-area Humpty’s restaurant.
Premier Jason Kenney, photographed at an ethnic diversity workshop just before speaking to the crowd at Humpty’s
“The idea is actually quite simple, people. We have cold, clean air up here and experience with building pipelines. Down in California, they have extensive experience with extreme heat and forest fires, so we figured, heck, there’s an opportunity for us to help each other out here! Why didn’t we think of this before?! We have millions of people around the world led by a 16-year old climate activist barking about ‘Climate Change this’ or ‘Global Warming that’ but they have no concrete ideas on how to fix things. With this novel Climate Swap concept, we’re gonna actually make things happen!” – Premier Jason “I Love Barbeque” Kenney
Underpinning this initiative is a novel technology called AirSuck Vacuum™, which is a super-heated, negative pressure air transfer system created by Calgary-based NaithinWerks Engineering. The engineering firm’s spokesman, Hareeb Allsack, spoke to 2P News’ Rodecker Smith about its new technology.
“Picture for a moment, if you will, the hose on your vacuum… now imagine that it is 12 feet in diameter and made from concrete with an annulus filled with down feathers. Got it? Now picture this pipe being installed between Central Alberta and SoCal with high-efficiency turbo prop fans every 500 meters and there you have it… AirSuck™ Vacuum Technology,” Hareeb Allsack told the satire news outlet.
Hareeb Allsack, left, showing the AirSuck™ pipes to prospective investors.
The company claims that the system will be engineered in a bi-directional manner such that the direction of the air can be changed depending on who needs what.
“In the summer months, Alberta will be providing the best quality mountain air available, which will be delivered via the network of underground utility corridors and pumped through redesigned people-hole covers. In winter, Premier Kenney just flips an e-switch from an app on his phone and a constant flow of +60C air will be pumped to key areas in Alberta (including the tops of popular ski hills) to create a very realistic localized tropical climate,” Mr. Allsack continued.
Alberta’s Minister of Labour and Downsizing estimates that it will take just over 2 years to build the 3,000 km system that will create roughly 5,000 jobs along the way. One of the stipulations in the agreement is that first dibs for all jobs (on both sides of the border) will be given to those belonging to the recently formed Unemployed Public Sector Former-Employees Union, which comprises teachers, nurses, some doctors, and other civil servants.
