Bendovus Energy Introduces Upscale ‘Free Range’ Barrels

The Disassociated Press – Calgary-based Bendovus Energy has expanded its petroleum portfolio with a more socially-friendly produced free-range version of its existing light and heavy crude oil varietals.

Launching from its Running Rock refinery just outside of Stettler, Alberta in Q2 2020, the company expects demand for its new product to be high and fetch a premium price over its other crude offerings.

Described by analysts as an “obvious next step” for the struggling integrated oil company, the free-range barrels will contain oil that had access to areas outside of structural, stratigraphic, hydrodynamic, and cap-rock traps which allows the new product to officially gain its free-range credentials.

“We all know how BVE stock has performed over the past few years, and to say it is abysmal is the understatement of the century. So the company really had no choice but to look to new product offerings to bolster and diversify its 12-month trailing net-debt adjusted after-tax EBIDUH funds flow index per share… and this is just what they have done. **psssst** Hey, here’s a little tip for you… if you’re looking to get in on a stock at rock-bottom prices with nothing but bullish upside through 2029, then you might want to consider getting into some, let’s call it, ‘Cenovus’ right away. **wink** **wink**” – Bjorn Falkenburg, analyst with Keepin’ it realz Inequity partners.

“If the oil ain’t moving, then we ain’t looking for it,” says the company’s President and CEO, Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn. “With this new product line, we believe that oil should be allowed to roam freely around the rocks which contain them, not be trapped and sit stagnant for millions of years. We find our free-range oil to be fresher, with a higher energy content, which will fetch us a higher price.”

According to the company’s prospectus for the new oil, which is called Anti-Anticline Free Range Oil, or A-AFRO, the challenge was to find oil that was still along its migratory path from source rock to reservoir where it is able to stretch its legs. The company claims that when the oil is allowed to stretch its legs, its hydrocarbon chains become longer, which yields a product with a higher heating value (or energy content) than non-free-range offerings. Unconventional rock was immediately ruled out by the once-well-respected oil major, “because the oil has been completely trapped since birth and cannot move until its habitat is basically blowed up and infiltrated with water and sand,” said the A-AFRO product manager, Craven Morerock, P.Geo.

“We are incredibly proud to have taken our petroleum offerings to a new level of environmental and social governance. Teenage climate change activist, Greta Thunberg, while she was here stirring things up before a federal election gave it her seal of approval and she even declared our A-AFRO product to be gluten-free and vegan-friendly. Our end-users will notice that their A-AFRO-based products and fuels will have a bit of pizazz and flair to them,” she continued.

The company added to its portfolio of offerings earlier this year with a range of tailing ponds-sourced recycled bottled water aptly named I Can’t Believe It’s Not Water and a new line of vegan-friendly, bitumen-based butter substitutes called Bitubutter.