CALGARY, Alberta – The same group of Calgary-based engineers who in early 2018 conservatively, but correctly, estimated that at least 76 texts had been transmitted since the advent of text messaging in 1992, is now claiming that data that they are told is stored in the cloud, is very likely not.
The group accuses DropBox, Microsoft, Apple, Google, and Amazon (among others) that they are misleading customers as to where precisely their cloud data is stored.
“We’ve all been hearing about cloud storage for years now, but exactly which cloud are these companies talking about? I’m a frequent flyer, and whenever I fly, I keep a keen eye out for my data and so far, nothing doing. Not to mention, I also look for my data up there when I’m lying in the yard with my kids looking for cloud shapes, but to no avail,” said the group’s spokeperson, Melinda Krackenbush, P.Eng.
According to the group’s filing to the Alberta Court of Queen’s Hard Couch, the engineers expected to either see drones outfitted with solar-powered web servers floating in the clouds, or more efficiently yet, see digital bits encoded in the spin of the water droplets that comprise the clouds, but all “we saw were normal clouds of various sorts, but not data.”
Lawyers representing the consortium of tech companies warn consumers that their clients have done no wrong, and have not misrepresented the cloud storage and computing services that they offer.
“Our clients use the term cloud figuratively. The data is actually stored on physical servers, that form physical server farms, that actually reside on earth, in large data rooms connected to the Internets. The plaintiffs in this class-action suit took the term literally. Our clients will be updating their terms and conditions shortly to account for engineers, and other objective types who cannot separate the literal from the figurative.” – Skip Weiner, from Cox & Weiner LLP.
When pressed to further comment on the proceedings, the legal team representing the tech juggernauts suggested that the engineers’ data is indeed stored in the clouds, but the engineers were not looking in the right ones – it’s either in the clouds, on up their ass where their heads are.