Dear Andy: How should I propose to my girlfriend?

Dear Andy:

My name is Peter and I am a geoscientist.  I have spent have the last year of my life with a girl who I am head over heels in love with.  She has not said anything yet, but I feel like we are soul mates and I want to propose to her.  I don’t want to be too cliche about it.  Please help me!  Peter T. 

Dear Peter: Okay, here’s the deal. First, stop calling her the love of your life or soul mate. No one wants to hear that spooge come out of a man’s mouth – do that again and you’ll be kicked out of Guysville. You may as well prance around in a carnival outfit professing your love for all things dainty and frilly.  Real men don’t have feelings, so man up.  She’ll love you for it.  Now here are some sure-fire ways that I, and others here at 2P, advise you propose to ensure you get the answer you want.

1) The Straight Up: Just walk up to her with whatever scrap of tin you have in the garage or kitchen drawer, pound it into a rough hoop circle thing and ask her if she really loves you.  Not the way to get a smile, but she might just like the fact you made it yourself.  Like a kindergarten kid with a tube of glue and sparkles.  Moms love that shit! (She may even give you a frantic yes if she’s pregnant.)

2) Little Thing Big Ring: When you’re headed for the bedroom one night, have a string tied to ‘yourself‘, and then tied to the ring.  Hopefully she discovers it down there.  When she does notice, you tell her if shes ready to commit to this kind of debauchery, she should be ready to commit to marriage.  Forever.  This one worked for me.

3) The Dancy Dance: Take her out for a romantic evening with fancy dinner, wine, and promise to take her dancing later.  When you head for the clubs, make sure you also have a couples’ lap dance pre-arranged at the local speakeasy, right up close in sniffer’s row.  While you are both enjoying the dancers, lean over and whisper quietly if she’ll marry you.  No doubt she’ll approve.  Nothing reminds people of marriage and commitment like a stripper in their lap.

4) Do you still love me: Everyone always talks about how great make-up sex is.  Can you imagine proposing on those same terms?  You’ll need to do something truly awful like sleep with her sister, or impregnate the dog.  But once she is really, really, really pissed at you, turn on the sheepish suck face and beg for forgiveness with a ring in your hand. Done like dinner.

5) The I do or die:  Assuming you are a true geoscientist and not some shmuck who thinks he can draw lines on a map, take her on a geological tour somewhere with elevation.  Wait for the right moment, and ask her lovingly if she’ll accept you as her husband.  If she waffles or says no, Bre-X.

So there you go, Peter T., all the best, and we hope she’s as forgiving as all of our wives were.  You’ll need it. As usual, our readers might have some ideas of their own that they may care to share below.

Andy Killinger, Staff Counselor Proved Plus Probable News