OTTAWA, Canada – It is no secret that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has struggled since rocketing to political stardumb back in the fall of 2015. The public coffer’s prodigal son has seen his ratings slip to levels lower than Danny Devito lying down in a ditch. Over the past few months, the Trudeau led Liberal Party’s popularity now sits only 2 points higher than that of the newly-minted 2P News Party of Canada.
And as the country heads into an election year, the shine has come off Trudeau and his Liberal government in light of a tumultuous 2018 where his office has fanned the enemy flames with China, the US, and Saudi Arabia, just to name a few countries who aren’t particularly happy with the Pretty Pony and his foreign policies.
Read More: Trudeau to use empty oil sands camps to house caravan refugees from Mexico.
Enter Newfoundland-based psychic medium Fredrica Zamminilli. Miss Zamminilli believes that she is able to channel her psychic powers to communicate with former Prime Minister Pierre Elliot Trudeau. Justin Trudeau recently hired her to help him get advice from one of the best in the business of politics.
Justin visited Fredrica at her treehouse in Ferryland, NL on a few occasions to channel advice from his father. They sat in a dark area of the home as candles made of bitumen burned behind them and the melodious pan flute stylings of Zamfir played in the background.
Knowing that this was going to be golden around news circles, 2P News reporter Rodecker Smith, visited the site and setup covert recording devices for the consultation sessions. Some of what was recorded is transcribed below.
JT: “Hello, dear father, errrr…. aaaah… are you there? Can you hear me?”
FZ: “Justin, I’m starting to channel is presence, can you feel the ambient air start to cool? Please, call him again…”
JT: “Hey Pops, it’s me Justin, your favourite kid, remember me? I made it to Prime Minister of Canada, just like you did!”
PET via FZ: “Yeeees, Justin, yes, I can hear you. I heard you the first time, give me minute – I’m just wrapping something up with Miss Marilyn Munroe down here. [A minutes passes] Okay, son, what the hell do you want?”
JT: “I’ve been doing my best to run Canada since November 2015, but things aren’t going to well. My ratings are in the dumps, but my hair still looks good. There’s an election this fall and I need some advice.”
PET via FZ: “My little boy, I really jacked things up for western Canada with my National Energy Program in the 80s, but that pales in comparison to what you’ve done to them folk in the mountains while you’ve been in office. You’ve failed them, and disappointed me down here. Build a damn pipelines already. I heard you already spent $4.5B of taxpayer dollars to buy one of them freakin’ things, now get it built!”
JT: “But father, it’s not that easy. I think I can still win the election because I’ve probably got the poutines in Quebec on my side, but I don’t want the west to hate me. They make fun of me every time I go over there. What would you do if you were here now?”
PET via FZ: “Son, what you have done cannot be undone. It is a shame. I didn’t think a country could be run any worse than when I had the reigns, but you’ve outdone me. Remember when you ran home crying pretty much every other day in high school after being beat up by the girls in drama club and the jocks on the football team? What did I tell you? I said, ‘One day son, you can follow in my foot steps and make those bullies and every other Canadian who has done you wrong pay for it.’ Remember that? I didn’t think you’d take that literally, you asshole. You’ve alienated yourself. You’ve further shamed the Trudeau name in the west, which I didn’t think was humanly possible.”
JT: [In tears] “But I thought I could win people over with my pretty boy smile, my perfectly groomed coif, by showing people that I could box, that I had the ol’ Trudeau arrogant swagger, and that a if part-time high school drama teacher really did have the skills to run a G7 country, then girls all around the world can become anything they want to become, but none of it is working. I’ve let down Canadian people-kind.”
PET via FZ: “Oh, don’t get me started with this people-kind malarkey. Son, you are losing this phoney war that you have been waging for years now against inequality. People can see right through that crap. It’s been mankind for pretty much ever, so just leave it that way, son. Let it go. It’s okay. Cut your losses. If I were you, I would resign and save what is left of my legacy and the good Trudeau name.”
FZ: “Justin, the channel is closing, it’s getting weak… wait he’s trying to say something… I hear the name Chris… or Christy… hang on… Justin, your father says he has to go because he has… wait… a date with Christy Canyon.”
In a statement released by the Prime Minister’s Office on Tuesday, Justin Trudeau has been acting very weird since the psychic sessions with Fredrica Zamminilli, with passing thoughts about an early retirement. Now Justin just has to figure out how to explain to hardworking taxpayers how they spent $735,000 to enable him to speak to his old man.
