2P News co-founders, missing since April 2016, found wandering on Australian island

SYDNEY, Australia – Antoine McGuillicuddy and Dr. Darcy Flowman, missing for over a year and feared dead, are now back home in Calgary after being discovered wandering aimlessly in a dazed and confused state on a remote island off the coast of Australia. The two Calgarians, who together founded the controversial 2P News service back in March 2013, were last seen at a corporate crowd-funding event along Calgary’s popular Stephen Avenue Mall on April 28th, 2016.

Thanks to a spy drone

It is thanks to a US Navy reconnaissance UAV in the area between Tasmania and Antarctica that the pair were located. According to reports from the US’s National Defense Department, the drone had transmitted photos and videos of what the US government believed to be aliens on the small island that is home to a mere 20 Australian scientists and their support staff.

“The images were a bit grainy, but we made a positive ID on two objects making their way towards our top-secret naval base in the area, so we dispatched a crew of Marines who were training in the area to intercept them. The men were stopped not a moment too soon seeing as they were just a few yards from our ‘shoot first and ask questions later’ Trumperimeter.” – Lieutenant Corporal Spearman of the 15^th Naval Battalion

Reports indicate that the men were found naked with the larger white male spooning the smaller African-Canadian male as they shivered. Upon discovery, the men immediately explained that they were not an item, and that they were in that position strictly based on their survival instincts to avoid hypothermia and ultimately death.

During an ongoing Missing Persons file being investigated by the Calgary Police Force, the CPF recently learned that their former staff had ransacked the 2P News office and liquidated all of the company’s assets. Once found, the CPF plans to lay charges of theft over $175 to Rodecker Smith, 34, Cynthia Redbush, 28, Yu Mii, 51, of Calgary and Sir William Shortspeare, 117, of Orange County, California.

“I think they were kidnapped”

According to eyewitness reports from one of their 17-20 fans in the downtown Calgary area, the two men were last seen approaching an unmarked white cargo that was parked on the NE corner of 8^th Avenue and 3^rd Street SW.  Surveillance footage shows the men being forced into the vehicle by two men who posed as construction workers.

“I was talking to Antoine about the latest Moosepeace Beer variety pack when Darcy interrupted to say there was a van down the block that was giving away free food samples. They said they’d be right back and after a few minutes a heard a scuffle and saw a brownish van speed away. I’m pretty sure they were kidnapped.” – Tomas Picklesnits, eye witness and 2P News fan.

CPF investigators are currently pursing leads related to Bendovus Energy, after lead the case’s investigator learned about the connection that 2P News had with the Calgary-based oil giant.

“To be quite frank, I’m surprised that these guys are still alive considering the nature of how they report on Bendovus Energy. They should have been dead years ago. Surveillance footage shows that the former president of the company might have been behind the wheel of the van, but the investigation is ongoing.” – Constable Connie Stabler, CPF.

Antoine and Darcy could not be reached for a comment since they are recovering in a Calgary-area shed equipped with a keg of Moosepeace beer, but an anonymous source close to the two say that they are unclear whether or not they will pick up the pieces and continue with 2P News. She said, “I know those guys very well, and if they figure they can continue to expose the ugly underbelly of the industry that they once staunchly supported, then dagnabit they will!”