CALGARY, Alberta – A most untoward event happened in the plush offices of 2P News in Calgary, Alberta when two female staffers, Yu Mii and Cynthia Redbush, got into quite a spirited discussion over the best breed of housecat for a person living in an apartment. Both women actually raised their voices momentarily above their usual whispers. Ms. Yu insisted on the British Shorthair while Ms. Redbush championed the Ragdoll.
Ms. Yu noted that the British Shorthair has a very calm temperament, requires minimal grooming and is ideally suited to be an exclusively indoor cat. Ms. Redbush countered with saying the Ragdoll is even more docile, has a softer, more luxuriant coat and thus is a superior lap cat. Both breeds are competent at controlling the insect, reptile and rodent population of a residence. However, both also enjoy presenting fresh kills to their owners, much to the dismay of entomophobes, murophobes and herpetophobes everywhere.
Rodecker Smith, ever the wuss and a disgrace to masculinity, chimed in with his unsolicited opinion and was immediately shouted down. He had suggested an exotic wild breed, the lynx, and said that if the animal proved to be too much trouble it could be readily converted into sausage. The attempt at a pun was decried by all within earshot. Your humble correspondent, visiting Calgary from Southern California, had to exercise every possible bit of self-control to refrain from slapping him silly when Smith started singing, “We are Siamese if you please. We are Siamese if you don’t please” from the Disney movie Lady and the Tramp.
Darcy Flowman and Antoine McGuilicuddy, true to form, made a host of crude jokes about “pussies” and were roundly excoriated by the women, including Smith. Andy Killinger’s eyes took on a deathly cast, he chortled maniacally, started frothing at the mouth and ultimately had to be sedated. Thank goodness the 2P News office is now equipped with an elephant-rated tranquilizer dart gun.
The row evaporated as quickly as it had started when the women’s discussion turned to eye shadow, lipstick and menstrual cramps. Everyone else except Smith immediately found other business to attend to and an air of normalcy (such as it is) prevailed again.
Sir William, this is the best you can do?
My dear Ms. Forney, I don’t make the news, I merely report it. It is becoming increasingly difficult to apply my wit to today’s economic climate. Too many have fallen.