CALGARY, Alberta – In a surprise move during a press conference at the annual convention of the International Society of Geological Trivia (ISGT) in Calgary, it was declared that a class of igneous rocks known as pegmatites are noxious. Society president Philbert Todestuhl first had to give the gathered reporters a definition of the word “noxious” and then explained the basis of the declaration.
“Pegmatites are holocrystalline intrusive igneous rocks composed of interlocking phaneritic crystals, usually larger than 2.5 centimeters in size, composed of quartz, varieties of feldspar and mica. It usually appears as an intrusive dike or sill in other rocks. But, the stuff is so damned boring that university professors make it 98% of Mineralogy final exams. This effectively eliminates all but the most dedicated and/or psychotic students.”
Dr. Todestuhl exclaimed, “With recent revelations that the U. S. National Security Agency is monitoring absolutely everything in North America, do you want an intrusive rock on top of that? And ‘igneous’? That word comes from the same Latin root as ‘ignorant’. So, this means there’s a stupid rock spying on you.
“What really tore it was the discovery that the Department of Alchemy at Hogwarts is using pegmatite in their harpy and banshee repellant potions. Supposedly this fortifies the potions by some 50%. If these potions go into wide circulation, where would ISGT members find girlfriends, especially the female members.”
Dr. Todestuhl declined to offer a definition of “holocrystalline” and “phaneritic”, saying that the meanings are ISGT trade secrets and he was not able to divulge such things. Outside sources suggested this declination is really due to Dr. Todestuhl’s complete ignorance of the subject matter.
When contacted for a comment on Dr. Todestuhl’s allegation regarding potions, Hogwarts Chief Alchemist, Professor Unctuous Paraffine, stated for the record that pegmatites are not used in his repellent potions. He said, “Let’s see. Pegmatite. Peg me tight. Sounds like something that would nail you to the wall. Now, some of my potions do that but not ones that have ground-up rock in them. Distillations yes, rocks no. Now go away.”
