Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose, residents of Frostbite Falls, Minnesota and citizens of the United States are petitioning the Canadian government for political asylum. Their legal representative, Ottawa attorney and weathervane Capt. Peter “Wrongway” Peachfuzz, said, “It won’t take long for them to get here, the border is about 10 meters south of their cabin in Frostbite Falls. A hop, skip and a jump. Or is that north?
“The issue at hand is that the U. S. government is demanding that Rocky and Bullwinkle disclose the location of the floating mountain, Mt. Flatten, the only known source of the anti-gravity metal upsidaisium. The trouble is, the mountain broke loose from its moorings and floated away during a major Polar Vortex storm. It could be in China by now. Nobody, including my clients, knows where it is.”
Mr. Jay Ward, Undersecretary for Denying Everything at the U. S. State Department in Washington, said, “We are very disappointed with their attitude. We considered Mr. Squirrel and Mr. Moose to be loyal Americans even though they’re animated in Mexico. I was a big fan of their TV show. In a totally unrelated investigation, the Internal Revenue Service has determined that neither of them has paid any income tax, ever.”
In an interview with 2P News, Rocky explained why the government is after him and his friend. “The Defense Advanced Research Programs Agency (DARPA) wants to alloy upsidaisium with kryptonite, adamantium, mithril and unobtainium to create lightweight armor plating that is impervious to anything, even Superman. Supe and I are flying buddies so even if I knew where Mt. Flatten is, I wouldn’t tell anyone.”
When asked what he would do in Canada if asylum were granted, Bullwinkle said, “I’ve been offered a gig being the spokesmoose for Moosepeace Beer. I’m a moose and peaceful so it’s a natural fit.” When told that ‘peace’ may have a different interpretation, he replied, “Now that’s just nasty.” Rocky said that he hasn’t made up his mind, but possibly would re-start his sky-writing business or become a crop duster.
Col. Boris Badenov, formerly a member of the Pottsylvanian Secret Police and now a contractor for the U. S. Central Intelligence Agency, said,
“Running away to Canada not save them. I have standing orders from Fearless Leader to keel moose and squirrel. I would do it for fun, but is good to have payment from CIA as well. Bwa ha ha!”
