HOUSTON, Texas – In a move that surprised investors and employees alike, the board of directors of ComicalPhilistine Oil Company selected Frederick J. Flintstone to be its acting president and chief executive officer. This follows the abrupt departure of the former CEO Flintheart Glomgold who left to pursue other opportunities, a euphemism for his being fired following a dismal fourth quarter.
Mr. Flintstone’s formal election will be proposed at the next stockholder’s meeting in April. It is uncertain if there will be any significant institutional investor opposition, but the overall market reaction was favorable. ComicalPhilistine stock gained 1⅝ today.
Mr. Flintstone is currently CEO and advertising icon of Flintstones Chewable Vitamins (now a division of Bayer HealthCare LLC), a position he has held since 1968. When questioned about his lengthy 48-year tenure at the vitamin company, Mr. Flintstone replied,
“I’m a cartoon character. I don’t age. I’ll be around as long as there’s somebody talented enough to draw me. The only issue remaining before I join ComicalPhilistine is working out a deal with Bayer HealthCare to buy out my copyright.”
Ms. Flue Z. Frump, a staff writer for the magazine Business Weak, asked Mr. Flintstone what are his immediate plans for the company. He replied, “Of course, the first thing is to move corporate headquarters from Houston to Bedrock. I’ll use the move to prune a lot of the corporate dead wood. The surplus employees will be offered severance, by either guillotine or axe. That is, cost cutting will be literal. Executives will lead the way in other expense reductions. For example, I will trade in the corporate jet for a pterodactyl, a far more fun way to fly.”
He continued,
“ComicalPhilistine trails TexxonMogul, ChevyTaxico and Regal Douche Shill as the world’s pre-eminent non-government oil company. I intend to change that. The retail gasoline business will be sold off since I see no future for it. Personally, I’ve never used a drop of gasoline in my entire life and I’ll expect the same from our employees. The company will start using foot-powered vehicles, which will have the added benefit of giving the desk jockeys some exercise. Our refining business priorities will also be re-aligned to produce more tar.”
The magazine Advertising Age drew a comparison between Mr. Flintstone and the “caveman” series of commercials for the GEICO Insurance Company. He fumed, “Those pieces of dinosaur dung were outrageous. Just a couple of guys with hair glued to their faces wearing modern clothes. No cavemen I’ve ever known looked anything like those clowns.”