CALGARY, Alberta – After over a week of whirlwind social media activity that has no immediate signs of slowing down, the young woman known as Stampede Girl has decided to set the record straight during a sit-down conversation with 2P News’ Stampede correspondent Rodecker Smith.
The interview was conducted this morning at the 2P News headquarters on Stephen Avenue, and the transcript follows.
Rodecker: Tell us a bit about yourself. Word on the Internet is that you are an event planner with a major oil sands producer?
Stampede Girl: I don’t know where people get this stuff from? I don’t even work in the oil and gas industry. I’m a post-doctoral research scientist employed by the Canadian Space Agency. I earned an undergraduate degree in computer science from Yale, a master of mathematics with a major in artificial neural networks from Waterloo, and a Ph.D. from Stanford University where my thesis titled “K-Means Clustering with Automatic Determination of K Using a Multi-Objective Genetic Algorithm with Applications to Microarray Gene Expression Data” won numerous international awards. So no, I am not an event planner with Mooncor.
Rodecker: Okay, it’s time to get down to business. As you may know by now, there is a video and a number of images bouncing around the Internet that depict you partaking in some rather scandalous activities in a parking lot in downtown Calgary with 2 men, presumably on your way to the Calgary Stampede. Please tell us more about that situation.
Stampede Girl: I was aghast when my best friend told me about that video! Again, the public has it all wrong. You see, I had misplaced my makeup purse earlier that day, so Wade, Johnny and I stopped at a convenience store on the way to the Stampede to pickup some mascara. I didn’t have a compact, and considering how shiny the mirror finish was on Wade’s belt buckle, I just thought I’d bend over and apply my makeup using his buckle as a mirror. It’s pretty simple.
Rodecker: Let me get this right… the guy standing in front of you with the ear-to-ear grin, he was there because you were using his belt as a mirror for your makeup?
Stampede Girl: Yes, that is indeed true. No more; no less.
Rodecker: How about the gentleman standing behind you? What was he up to?
Stampede Girl: Oh Johnny, haha, good ol’ Johnny. He was visiting town from Brussels, and over there in Saudi Arabia people don’t really dress up in Cowboy attire, but he had just bought a pair of Wrangler jeans that turned out to be a bit tight. All Johnny was doing for those few minutes was adjusting himself to get a little bit more comfortable in his jeans – he was just breaking them in. But after seeing the video and the photos of the 3 of us, I can see how, from the angle it was recorded, it looked like he was doing something a little dirty. But no, all Johnny was doing was adjusting his jeans.
Rodecker: So that’s your story, huh? The video that has made its rounds through social media, with tens of thousands of comments related to these 3 Stampede-goers were having sex in parking lot, is really a video of you putting on your makeup in a guy’s belt buckle while the other guy behind you is adjusting his jeans?
Stampede Girl: That is correct. The public has this all wrong. But I can how the video can be misconstrued, or at least misinterpreted, into thinking that the 3 of us were engaged in sexual relations. It’s funny how certain camera angles can do that.
Rodecker: Is there anything else you’d like to say in closing?
Stampede Girl: I wish everybody on the Internet would just leave me alone, because the last time I checked there is nothing wrong with applying makeup and adjusting one’s trousers. And to the drunk idiot who yelled out, “Seal her up and frack her, boys!” what the heck were you talking about? I didn’t understand what that meant, but Wade sure had a good laugh.
After the events of the last week and the incessant bashing from friends and family, the Stampede Girl has self-imposed a 5-year ban from the Calgary Stampede. She plans to focus on rebuilding her image and furthering her career in computational astrophysics which is to help humankind expand its scientific understanding of the Earth and its place in the Universe.
If you’d like to get your jeans adjusted, call 1-800-SCHLONG. I’m standing by with special Stampede rates.