EDMONTON, Alberta – Alberta Premier Wretched Nutley announced today that all oil sand extraction facilities in the vicinity of Ft. McMurray, Alberta will have to shut down by the end of the month.
Her highness claimed that NDP biologists have determined the area is on the edge of the habitat of the exceedingly rare and endangered arctic crocodile (crocodylus noseeum). Under a newly enacted provincial law, the safety and well-being of any endangered species have absolute priority over human economic activity, regardless of consequences.
At a hastily-called press conference in Edmonton, Premier Nutley introduced Professor Wazoo Sempleton of the University of Timbuktu, the world’s leading authority on arctic crocodiles. The professor explained that an albino subspecies of the American crocodile (crocodylus acutus) migrated north from Florida, adapted to cold temperatures and learned to lurk just beneath the surface of a snowfield and wait for prey.
He then answered questions from the group of reporters assembled and the following is an edited version of his responses:
Reporter: How rare is the arctic crocodile?
Prof. Sempleton: None have ever been seen. They are too well camouflaged.
Reporter: Then how do you know that they exist?
Prof. Sempleton: From their droppings. On a television program about caribou I saw a pile and immediately recognized it as crocodile rather than caribou feces.
Reporter: What do the crocodiles eat?
Prof. Sempleton: Penguins.
Reporter: But penguins live in the Antarctic. There aren’t any in Canada.
Prof. Sempleton: Well, not now. They’ve all been eaten. That’s why the arctic crocodile is so rare. Their primary food supply is gone. I believe they mostly raid garbage dumps now.
Reporter: But that’s what other animals like bears and raccoons do, not crocodiles.
Prof. Sempleton: Prove it.
Sensing that things were spinning out of control, Premier Nutley then closed the press conference and immediately dismissed the reporters.
She was unaware that one microphone was still active and she was heard to mutter, “I told those conservative bastards I’d find a way.” She then left the podium whistling Elton John’s “Crocodile Rock.”
2P News is dispatching a team of our top investigative reporters to locate and interview an arctic crocodile.
“crocodylus noseeum” – you guys are idiots. Nice work.
Ah! At last! I have finally discovered an HONEST NEWS SOURCE!!!!!!
George, you are a smart man. Thank you very much. 2P News is honest, if not authentic.