Problem geologists need help: WOOPS

EDMONTON, Alberta – In response to the sorry state of affairs in the profession of petroleum geology, the World Organization of Petroleum Societies (WOOPS) conducted a seminar in Edmonton, Alberta to address the issues both great and small affecting the oil and gas industry. Mr. Conehead D. Barberean, organization president, said that the objective was to improve the quality of life for both geologists and their colleagues and especially to protect the general public. Among the presenters were:

Mr. Roy G. Biv, representing Crayola LLC, gave a presentation on how geologists often stumble and color outside the contour lines, even with brand-new sharp crayons. He said,

“You’d think this is something they would have learned in elementary school. To promote the proper use of Crayola™ crayons we have collaborated with WOOPS to offer a remedial coloring course for geologists. Curiously, some of them even use crayons on a computer screen, thinking this is how to change colors or contours on a map, so we have developed a screen cleaning fluid that will easily remove crayon. A few still try to compose an email with crayon.” – Roy G. Biv, with Crayola Crayons

Mr. Rove R. Tag from Harz Pet Products displayed a human-sized tracking collar. He explained, “We were contacted by managers at several oil companies where geologists would often get distracted by a Moosepeace beer ad and wander off drooling. They asked if we could provide a collar with a GPS transmitter to allow management to track down lost geologists and return them to their kennels, uh, offices. In certain cases, the collar can be combined with a muzzle.”

From the Staples office supply chain, Mr. Prit E. Gross displayed samples of gouge- and chew-resistant office furniture. He said,

“When geologists run out of paper they’ll carve a map into the top of their desks. It would help if service companies would quit giving away gift pocket knives. Too often geologists forget to bring lunch and since they’re too cheap to buy anything they attempt to eat the furniture.” – Mr. Gross, Staples

Continuing on that note, Sgt. Preston of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police reported that the incidence of cannibalism among geologists in the far north is almost completely under control. However, everyone in the audience was moved to tears when the sergeant said that a particularly vicious geologist devoured his dog, Yukon King, after being cornered. No one was surprised to hear that the geologist had to be put down with three to four hundred well-placed high-calibre bullets.