CALGARY, Alberta – In a shocking discovery that is likely to turn the world of physics on its head, a theoretical physicist who had taken a job as a development engineer, discovered an distinct change in behaviour in and around executive offices.
With help from the new NDP government, a special team of theoretical and experimental particle physicists have been brought in to assist in studying the phenomenon that essentially disagrees with Einstein’s well documented and widely-accepted Theory of General Relativity. If this phenomenon can be proven in a lab, it could ultimately render Einstein’s work, which has withheld the experimental and observational test of time for 100 years, completely invalid.
The special group, led by Swiss scientist, Dr. Alec Tronley, determined that some of the most fundamental laws of nature do not apply in or nearby executive offices in the oil and gas industry. In fact, the group has concluded that basic laws that govern gravity completely break down for idearons, which are the sub-atomic particles responsible for good ideas. This breakdown could explain most if not all of the bad decisions oil and gas executives make on a daily basis.
Dr. Alec Tronley, researcher
“There is a hypersphericaloidal region bounded by these offices whereby idearons accelerate at nearly 6 times the speed of light towards a nanotesticular-spatio-temporal singularity where they simply vanish. Not only did Einstein predict that the speed of light cannot be exceeded (not even in theory), but energy cannot be destroyed, but in the case of executive offices in the oil and gas industry, both laws are violated. It would appear that there is a newly defined super-space-time continuum whose curvature is significantly more curved than the space-time fabric described by Einstein. We need to get to the bottom of this.” – Dr. Alec Tronley, lead researcher.
According to the 210-page study, any good or even reasonable ideas that are formed within the confines of one of these offices lasts roughly 3.985E-87 seconds, which for practical purposes mean that they never ever did exist in the first place. This new super-gravity is so strong that idearons in the heads of those passing by executive offices can just as quickly find a similar fate in the singularity. Dr. Tronley continues,
“So technically, a person walking past the office of an oil and gas CEO becomes momentarily stupider, but nowhere near as stupid as the person sitting in the office. It’s science and physics, and you can’t argue with that.”
Dr. Winifred Bookler, gettin’ her physics on
While the study has had no impact on daily operations of any operator to date, it would seem that the wild-eyed, catch-phrase riddled, imbecilic decisions and speeches given by today’s modern CEO can finally be explained by science.
2P News has been informed by Dr. Tronley of numerous engineering firms requesting copies of the data so they can begin to solve the problem. The solution may be as complicated as a relativity distortion engine, or as simple as transmitting ultra high voltage through the chairs of executive whenever they speak.
I heard there’s a law of physics that says no two objects can occupy the same space. Snuggle with me and I’ll prove that wrong.