Endwell Energy isolates engineering staff

CALGARY, Alberta – Airdrie-based Endwell Resources has announced a new pilot program in all operational activities through Q4.  The new Isolation Engineering program will physically remove all engineering staff form contact with other team members in order to streamline operations and decision making. All tasks requiring an engineer will be handed off through computerized liaisons to avoid communication errors and misplaced technical conflict.

Endwell CEO Tommy Pumpschtik recognizes the need for engineering staff, but accepts that is comes at great social and communicational expense.

“We always hear people complaining about engineers.  The reservoir guy doesn’t get it.  The production guy has his head up his ass.  The Development guy is asleep.  We get it.  Engineers don’t play well with others or each other.  This IE program is intended to remove that hurdle and allow the teams to get on with business.  It also allows the engineers to focus on the task at hand without confusing them with meetings, team activities, or social interaction – none of which they are any good at.” – Tommy Pumpschtik, CEO

The Isolation Engineering program will be implemented effective immediately at Endwell, which explains the recent office renovations at the company’s head office on Stephen Avenue.  There have been 35 engineering offices built that are both visually and acoustically isolated from any other part of the building or environment.

One CAT6 cable has been run into each office with a computer and a chair.  This spartan decor was chosen by Harvard Computer Engineering Professor Yu Goo Jumajisoda, Ph.D., MBA, HGTV

Other technical staff at Endwell are praising the new program, claiming it will make everything so much more efficient and streamlined.

“We always get, like, you know, stale mated with those guys.  They just want to argue cause they can argue.  If we lock em up, they’ll shut up and just crunch the numbers, man.  Yeah.  We just lock those squares up dude, no chatting or talking or whatever.” – Christian McIvorallis, Senior Geologist

Staff Petrophysical Engineer, Kennaught Gettalong, is launching a wrongful dismissal case against Endwell over the new IE program, despite the fact that he resigned when he was informed his office was being moved to an IE floor.

“I can’t believe they think that locking up the best technical people they have is a good idea.  If we didn’t speak up at meetings about the stupidity of everyone else, the company would fall apart.  Geologists, managers, petrophysicists, and landmen.  What the hell do they know about anything?!  We should lock them up, take away their crayons, and their fancy computers and see what they do then!  Smear poop on the walls and call it waves and maps that’s what!” – Kennaught Gettalong, engineer

Endwell will be releasing monthly updates on the progress of the new program in order to keep shareholders apprised of progress and effectiveness.  2P News will continue to follow the project, largely in hopes that we get exclusivity when someone snaps and burns down the office.