2P News closed; staff dragged off in chains

CALGARY, Alberta – In a shocking turn of events, the entire Calgary staff of 2P News was arrested by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and charged with libel, sedition, treason, plotting public intoxication, aggravated assault on fellow staff members, purchasing fake urine to circumvent drug tests, practicing self-dentistry without a license, and jaywalking. All are being held incommunicado and without bail in a maximum-security gazebo.

To date, no attorneys have been willing to represent any of the staff. Absent any reporters, the future of the website is uncertain.

Sergeant Fred Scuttle of the RCMP explained the arrests:

We owed Alison Redford a favour and this is what she asked for. Besides, we were also sick of those buffoons making fun of all things Canadian, especially our fine politicians. However, their worst crime was belittling the province’s mass transit systems and thus encouraging jaywalking. – Sergeant Fred Scuttle, P.Rcmp.

Reactions among citizens were mixed with the vast majority saying, “2P Who?” A number of Calgary massage parlours and bartenders expressed dismay over the sudden loss of a big part of their businesses and free entertainment.

In Southern California (beyond the reach of the RCMP), your humble correspondent (Sir William Shortspeare) was heard to mutter, “Bloody Hell!”, and then headed off to his neighborhood pub to commiserate with friends. “I was dismissed from the darts team for far too many errant tosses, and now this! What am I to do for amusement now?”

<Editor’s note: April Fools! Haha. We had you thinking that we really got arrested and the site was closing down, but we’re still here! April Fools is on the 3rd, right?! Antoine… where are you? That’s what you told me 2 days ago!>